i have a couple of questions about memory...
i am going to try to keep it elementary though because it seems complex to me and i just want a couple simple answers..

from what i have read, if i remember.. (haha )
it seems the Hippocampus has an important role in developing memory..
and it also seems that PTSD can cause some effect on the Hippocampus..

i do have PTSD.. and from recent realizations it would seem that it greatly affects me more than i ever even considered.. honestly, i never even thought about it or even cared much about having PTSD, i didnt see how it effected me at all and wasn't really sure that i even had it.. i just thought that i dealt with "the past" and moved on (which i know now that i did not)

this aspect of my "illness" is the only thing that i can attribute to my memory problems... i have read many cases and subjects extensively trying to understand "myself" and possibly what is happening with me, or what happened to me to put me in this kind of position..
i have not come across anything that can really explain the severity of my memory troubles, besides something like Dementia, Alzheimers, Tumors, or other similarly related type diseases/disorders.. but none of it makes sense or adds up because of lack of other symptms... or the lack of solidarity in symptoms..

now i am not trying to self diagnose myself at all, i simply want to understand myself and what is happening to me.. so that i can hopefully explain to a doctor in a way that will not make them treat me like a "wacko".. because when you have a patient come into your office and list off all of these things explaining a bunch of symptoms that just make you scratch your head, obviously the doctor is going to just brush off alot of it as some kind of hysteria without giving a whole lot of weight to the complaints..
that is what has been happening to me, but i've been trying to understand symptoms myself so that i could try to help them understand what it is i am experiencing..
but it is very difficult trying to explain a symptom(s) that you do not understand, that does not make very much sense, that is contradictory, especially when you are in the midst of giving up because doctor(s) can't understand you and think you are wasting their time or just trying to feign symptoms..

i have NEVER tried to mislead any doctor or exaggerate any symptoms.. but i believe that they believe that i have.. which really disturbs me because it is very hard for me to even make a doctor appointment, much less drag myself to the appointment, and even more trying to explain my experience when i dont even understand these things myself .. have you ever asked someone that is blind to describe what your car looks like? yeah, that can be irritating

i do not know how to explain or even mention the severity of my memory issue without sounding like an idiot.. because it is extraordinary.. atleast to me, and apparently to the doctors i have tried to tell.. they dont even pay any attention to it like it is not very important at all, but that what is important is my "imaginary" mania / bipolar disorder that they want to adamantly put on me.. when i cant even see how that is relevant.. but whatever, they have their agendas, their ideas, their understandings of the patient.. and i've probably confused the hell out of them trying to explain things that i don't understand so its probably my fault.. i shouldn't of tried to conceal some of the symptoms and keep them from making wrong assumptions.. but i thought explain what i think i understand, the best i can, but leave out the stuff that confuses me because if i confuse them i'll mess everything up and never know what is happening with me.. but that backfired, i should of just told them "I DONT KNOW" but i thought i had to say something because i didnt want to waste my time and theirs, drag myself to an appointment to no avail and not get anywhere but put myself through a load of anxiety for no reason that would not have any results...
(hmm.. having a de-ja vu moment... i hope i haven't already said all of these things before)

anyway... i digress...
i do have problems with severe anxiety and severe depression... but those things are explainable.. even treatable..

what really disturbs me is the memory issues... when i think about it, its as if i am simply watching a film pass by, my head will turn and look around the room and things will appear surreal and i dont really feel as if its my body that i am "within" .. or tied to.. connected to in some form.. its a story that i am reading, and these images are the imaginations creation to put into perspective the many paragraphs of words that my mind filters through to give me a visual affect - a 3 dimensional understanding of some words..
i feel completely indifferent, to this.. i couldn't care less about not being real or connected to a real world.. but i have thousand parts that are screaming in confusion that want to know what is happening and some emotions can over come me..
but i dont want to go into that...

the issue is that i cant remember anything, ALOT of people say that... it has almost lost meaning, i try to tell someone that i have memory problems and they say "oh yeah so do i" and im like.. what did you do this morning? and they tell me, and i shake my head because i don't know what happened this morning, or if it was even this morning that i got out of bed, but yesterday and some how i didnt sleep and another day passed, or maybe i moved backwards in time.. or forwards... TIME does not really exist for me..
my memory recall is nearly NULL... and if anyone can grasp the severity of it, then perhaps someone could understand my concern... i shouldn't simply be concerned, i should be terrified - but i dont really care.. but i would like to understand so that i can make the other things relax so i can forget about everything..

the few memories that will pop into my head are events that i would be acting completely out of character, which not many events pop into my mind.. i can count them on my hands.. but the memories are not really like my memories, i can see my body going through those events and acting like a different person in 3rd person, i don't know how crazy all of this sounds.. but i believe that i have said a lot of things on this website that already makes me appear loony so im not really sure that matters..

it just disturbs me that i don't really have much recall of whats going on, what am i doing here? what have i done? what am i going to do?
you begin to question your existence... question your identity... question reality... Question the questions...
i myself have become frustrated and annoyed because of this "non-sense" .. some kind of medical phenomenon... perplexing issue that makes you look like an idiot that is just seeking attention and wanting sympathy or something of the likes..
which could not be further from the truth for me, because i do not run around telling anyone about any of this.. i can not stand attention and dont want people to even look at me most of the time much less talk to me..
so when someone looks at you with those eyes when you do slip and let something come through, like they are astounded because of the things you said "Can not" be true simply because you do not appear to have such problems...
or they believe that no-one could have those problems...
whenever that part comes through and wants to try to talk about something and someone shoots you down, you will hide and refrain from saying ANYTHING, atleast this is what it seems to me.. i dont care what other people think, as long as they are not thinking about me

it is very difficult to talk about, difficult to try to explain, difficult to try to cope with or live with much less having to try to PROVE to someone that something is indeed happening..

the only thing that i have been able to tell myself is that through my traumatic experiences the part of my brain they call the Hippocampus that is related to memory and emotions and such has been severely damaged..

What are you supposed to do about that? to repair damage so that you can recover "yourself" .. is it fixable?

am i the only "Human" (or animal/plant for that matter) that has difficulties with memory like this?
i know that it sounds completely unreal and extraordinary in ways that just make it feel like it is impossible .. but please don't do to me what everyone does and simply dismiss these things as exaggerations.. i wish that i was exaggerating, to be completely honest if anything i am not making it sound severe enough... but it is what it is and i can only try to say these things in a way that will not make me freak out and believe that everyone is going to think i am a liar.. because i will run away and stop talking about it again for a long time..

i tell myself that if i am struggling this much with memory, maybe i don't want to remember ..
living like this does make it easier to "cope" because i don't have to face my inner fears, worries, desires, needs, wants, whatever ..
but it is a little saddening not having a solid sense of myself, my past, what i want in the future, what happens today and what not..
but if this is what im doing to try to deal with my severe depression and anxiety then that is ok too, until i can have a professional that wants to listen to me "cry" about stupid things and try to "fix" me ..
i realize that memory recall is one of those things that can be modified by the self .. but is it possible to be so severe? and unintentional..?

hmm, im not entirely sure why im posting this here...
maybe someone can understand me though and help me understand so that i can actually tell someone who can help

i would sincerely like to be normal and have a real life, but at the same time that is frightening to me, i dont want to experience those feelings and emotions that normal people experience.. i am going through a battle with myself trying to understand some things and help myself get to a point of understanding where i can heal and move forwards, become more connected and actually able to have a real life.. because maybe life does not have to be terrifying, maybe life can be pleasant - whatever that is ..

I do apologize for writing in such lengths.. perhaps one day i'll convince myself to write a book since apparently i enjoy typing so much..

Summarizing:
I have memory problems..
the problem does not stretch across weeks, but seconds...
i can forget almost instantly what is happening or going on, or i can not forget and when i try to recall i wont know.. i dont know if that makes sense, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to know what day it is and what i did .. unless i have a flash in my mind to trigger some emotional response that triggers a form of recall..
these problems have a great effect on my life...
I dont understand...
it really irritates me more than anything because i think its bloody stupid
but it also scares me, although i don't really care at this point..
so at the same time i am relieved not being able to recall things - i dont have to deal with "stuff" if i can't remember, apparently
PTSD is probably one of my biggest problems...
as well as probably some type of personality issue...

am i in some way causing this to happen to myself on purpose?
I would like to know how to tell a doctor these things..
How do you get them to take you seriously..
what do you do about the misdiagnosis they give you when your information you give them is inaccurate?

hmm... that is all.. im getting tired, cant write anymore..
probably maked this sound really confusing too...
which i am sorry, i am confused too

there goes that feeling "delete this, dont post it, you're being an idiot again"

i am fine, im just tired ..
im going to post it anyway though, if i am making myself look like an idiot then just ignore me - i wont remember in a little while anyway

i hope you all have a good day