i don't pity myself, but i'm drowning in my own tears - tears that won't flow onto my own cheeks.... i feel like a freak because nothing works to get me out of this black hole that sucks my own life away and disconnects me from everything. i reach out, but can't touch even though i touch. my house is a disaster, for i have no energy to maintain it. the world is so full of pain and thorns, harsh and brutal. i want to champion my own life, and i can't even do anything. i feel so guilty that i'm still here because my illness makes life harder for everyone around me. i suffer so much, i wish i can heal and help others heal. i'm a freak who feels nothing but pain and sadness. humans don't feel this all the time. true humans feel a wide range of things that makes life true life. i keep surrendering myself, but i continue to suffer. what did i do to deserve this punishment? i cry all over the internet. nothing helps. therapy is helpful in everything, except for my depression. someday, someone is going to get so tired of me and wish i was dead. i cannot keep on like this - draining everything because people only have so much. i'm not a needful person. i only need healing - right treatment. what do i have to do? beg? it's stupid.