I'm feeling pretty sad tonight.

Many on here know that I've had a sort of breaking off (not really a breakup) of a relationship that meant something to me. It was my choice, but still, I felt more hurt than angry about things, felt taken in and mislead. I wanted to know why certain things happened, and I fired off a few accusatory texts in the last few days until this morning when he said, "You've got to let this go. You're ruminating, and the anger is looping in on itself. It's unhealthy." That, of course, escalated how I was feeling. But it's true; it's not healthy. When I examine how I feel, I'm not so much angry as hurt, embarrassed for allowing myself to be vulnerable and trusting in what now looks like such an obviously dumb situation, stupid for rationalizing even when I didn't think I was (I thought I was making healthy compromises and allowing space for the other person). I feel embarrassed for ruminating and not letting things go, because that's my m.o., and I don't know why I can't just get past it. I feel like maybe I want the other person to show that they feel badly about things too, that they had hopes that are also now let down. Maybe I wanted some kind of emotional tradeoff, to not feel like I'm the only one who invested something and got hurt, here. Most of all I feel silly and stupid for believing in a fairy tale situation, for allowing my imagination to run away with me and essentially falling for an idea rather than a person. When it comes down to it, I didn't really know the person, because he didn't let me in enough to know him. And I don't think he really knew enough about me. I know, I know, it was long distance and you can't really know things til you meet. I know. But besides that. I think both of us liked the idea of each other. I liked who I knew him to be when we were in the same online community back in 2006-2011...and that's not him, now. He doesn't participate in the hobby as much, his personality has changed. Heck, he doesn't even look the same. But that is the person I had a crush on.

I would be lying if I said I didn't have some relief that it is over, because there was a lot of stress involved with it. I don't think that in my current place in life, starting a new career, having to go back to school at the end of the summer, and all of that, I'm in a good place to start a relationship. But it's been so long. And I want one. Mainly though, I want the companionship, I want the closeness. I want the validation of someone who wants me. And I want to give in a relationship to someone else. But I don't even know if I have anything to give anymore. I watch my friends in their relationships, in varying stages, and I want to be happy for them because that is what a friend does. But I feel empty. I don't really even feel like I have anything to give my friends.

I never wanted to be the person who blames my family, but I do blame them. My parents seriously effed me up. And I know I have lived longer without them in my life than I have with them in my life, but I'm so angry that they left me to fend for myself in this world without the skills to be able to form healthy, easy friendships and healthy, loving relationships. These were all things they were supposed to teach me, and they never did. I've worked for years and years and years with therapists and have just barely scratched the surface of all of it. Mainly, I'm self-aware. Great. So I know I suck at relationships. I still don't know how to navigate, or even what a healthy one looks like. People keep telling me, "When you're in one, you'll know." No...I won't. That's like telling a person who has never had eyes and suddenly has them, and keeps mistaking cats for sheep, "No, those aren't sheep. But when a sheep walks in front of you, you will know it is a sheep!" No.

I don't know exactly what I need tonight. Part of me wants JD to text me right now, and tell me it's gonna be fine, we didn't work, but we'll eventually be friends again. I hate losing people, even if it was my decision. Part of me wants someone to hold onto me while I cry and cry. I'm realizing that I'm pretty starved for affection; I am rarely touched by anyone period, let alone hugged or touched in an affectionate way. Part of me just wants to go back to before I tried to date again, before I put my profile online this past January, before I had the crazy idea to get in touch with JD again in March. And most of me just doesn't want to feel anything.