I discussed everything with my T, right down to he said, I said. She was very encouraging. To be fair, we didn't start really devolving until Monday. Everything looked, essentially, fine until then. And my appointment was Friday. But, before then, I told her how I would ask him to call and he was tired and we would set a day to call. She felt this was fine. I told her about every conversation. Her feedback was basically, "Can you accept that he, or anyone, finds you beautiful, funny, and interesting?" (Because this was something he said), and we discussed that. There was also the discussion about how I got anxious over certain things, and he would tell me, "Breathe. It's going to be okay. Really, truly." And she told me, "That sounds like something you need to hear. Does it feel good to hear this? Is this something you really think you can do in this relationship? Can you allow yourself to relax with this person and trust him?" And I said yes. And she said, "That's a good feeling for you."

So yeah. My T was actually on board with it. And we do discuss relationships pretty in-depth. But most people who have been communicating with me know that, as I've said it a few times.

I do have a list of deal breakers. One is not communicating with me. Which is why I'm not in a relationship or whatever it was any longer. Another is lying, and another is inattentiveness (which I guess is another reason why I'm not in anything any longer). But I don't know now any of that helps, since there wasn't a problem.

You keep talking about red flags and deal breakers and how you saw them from the beginning. Do you just not like long distance relationships, or do you just have a box that all relationships should be in? Because my relationships, should I ever be in one (unlikely), aren't going to fit in a box. They just aren't going to look like what they apparently are supposed to. I am not someone people find readily attractive (though apparently, I hear, I'm pretty. Okay, whatever). I have not been in a relationship for 7 years. I have not ever been asked out on a date. Ever. Never, ever. I have always done the asking. And I am 38 damn years old. So, you know what? When a man I have respected for a long time and find attractive tells me he has been crushing on me for four years, and he wants to get to know me, I'm going to go for it. When, in subsequent weeks, he makes me feel really great about myself and communicates with me, and there are no red flags, I'm going to go with it. When, after I pushed him away, he still comes back, I'm going to go with it. What red flags, before Monday, are you talking about? He didn't have them before then. He's not like the previous guy, he isn't shady. He's emotionally unavailable but, until this past week, I would have had no idea. He never showed me that. It's a lot more difficult to find that out when you're talking to someone long distance.

I'm sorry, I know you're trying to help, but the questions, on repeat (because I've heard them multiple times) make me feel like I'm some kind of idiot. I had no way of knowing, in this case.

I don't really want to hash over what I could have done differently. I don't care right now, as it doesn't matter. I am hurting, I am lonely, I am affection starved, I miss my friend. And I just want to stop hurting.