It just feels like a lot to process. My mom and I have had a very complicated relationship, but I am not ready to lose her yet. She is too young. But her own mom was only 3 years older than my mom is now when she died of cancer.

Before I moved back here to where my family lives, I had a lot of trauma, including my cousin being murdered, his wife committing suicide, a participant at the family resource centre where I lived also took his life, and a woman in my apartment building was brutally raped, and I came home to police tape around my building. I was manic at that time and had gotten myself into financial trouble, and a few years later again suffered another traumatic loss complicated by my church's inability to admit the wrong done by the priest. They supported the priest and basically told me to shape up or ship out (not those words exactly, but that was their attitude toward me. Needless to say I cannot bring myself to go back to church because I have become very bitter and cynical and want nothing more to do with the church. I no longer trust people in religious positions of authority, and yet, I wish I could find a church community where I could feel safe, with no hierarchy that is found in liturgical churches. But right now I feel like there is no room for the mentally ill in the church. Sorry for rambling on about all this stuff, but it is all tumbling over and over in my head.