thanks...

im just afraid...
they scare me so much...
it scares me so much for anyone to see the real me...
i am not very good at letting myself be me... even to a doctor..
especially doctor... anyone that has power of me... i've been hurt alot by people that was suposed to help me i guess...
i try so hard... ive been running for so long i dont know how to stop hiding...
i thought that i was stopping the running and hiding.. but i was just tricking myself all along... inadvertently tricking the providers and everyone... those arent really the right words to describe it... but i dunno how to explain... when someone intimidates me i will do what i have to to escape... even if it hurts me, traumatizes me, puts my life in danger... is the exact opposite of what i want to do... but i do it invisibly... so that no one knows what im trying to do... i run through a million scenarios within seconds and will lock into what is the best and easiest to get myself out of the situation the most smoothly... i will blank out and execute... i dont do it on purpose... i just have a lot of trouble....
it pisses me off but i dunno what to do.. i mean ive only recently started realizing that i do those kind of things... im going to try even harder this time whenever they take me back into the clinic... i mean im not going to try as hard but in a way it will mean im trying harder... if that makes sense...
its just probably gonna be some more months before i get accepted back..
just gonna let go because i dont have control over things anyway.. let them assume things and observe... just dont think i can speak much anymore because i tried to speak to them so hard before but they just pretty much told me the same things... that im trying to play doctor and want to know too much or something... but i wasnt... i just need help and my philosphy always has been if i can help someone help me... help you help me... thats a bunch of bull...
ive always been obsessive when it comes to NEEDING to know how anything works.. i have always taken things apart that i wanna see the inside of and whats going on inside so i can put it back together and understand it.. even at small age, 5..6 years old.. and now that i see how messed up my head is all i wanna do is dissect it so that i can understand how to make myself better... all i want is a little peace and happiness so i can be normal and have a life... i try to control it.. but when you dont have a life because of things inside your head its hard to gett it off your mind because it hurts so bad... but whatever.. i feel too many things i cant take it really... but i have no choice... i absolutely refuse to go back to a hospital... i would rather die first... i just want a few years of peace and happiness before i die... years i didnt get growing up or as a teenager or .. years i have never had... to be myself and enjoy... anything...
i am very broken.... when you do something because you dont want to hurt anymore and the hurt is less by doing what you dont want to do anyway... i am really confused... story of my life... "come on" "i dunno..." "ah yeah come on" "fine..." where did i go.... its all my fault...
i think i ruined everything....

i just have a big problem trusting anyone because everytime i try things f..mess up...
when i went to the clinic back in 2011/2012 i was relieved to finally be able to see someone... it was really hard... but i tried to convince myself that they would help... tried to be happy and excited about finally having courage to say that maybe i do need help... maybe someone can help me... i dont think anyone can.... maybe i dont want help....
i tried to trust... but after they drugged me up and started refusing to listen to what i was trying to say... about the medicine and side effects and how it wasnt really making me feel better... and they just telling me to keep taking it or trying to increase meds and add more meds... they just wanted to dope me up enough to make me stop talking... i dunno maybe i didnt know what i was saying... i cant remember any of it anyway so maybe i was lying or making things up... maybei was cussing them out and ... i dunno... i never curse or confront anyone unless someone triggers me...
i was on 9 different meds at once you know... not hydroxyzine type meds but mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants, anti anxiety, blablabla... but i still felt like ****... even though they told me that i was doing better, they told me if i cut back on the alcohol and drugs then things would improve and they kept hounding me about it even though the therapist told me that she doesnt think it was really hurting but i shouldn't drink so much so i did cut back on the alcohol.. she told me if the weed helps then she didnt see any reason that i should have to quit until i found a medicine that helped to replace it... i only remember a few things from all those years with them... the biggest thing i remember is just feeling like i wasn't being heard... or helped...
so i drastically cut back and nothing satisfied them and they just started treating me really crappy... the last appointment i did with the psychiatrist i went in and tried explaining to him why i stopped taking some of the meds, because i tried talking to him the past 4 meetings (i was seeing him once every 6 months..) about stopping some, changing some to something else because of side effects and lack of efficacy... and he just told me that its helping me and making me feel better and i just shut down, how can someone tell me how some drug is making me feel... so the last appointment i had quit taking the zyprexa and... um... i dunno which ones i forget... but apparently he was pissed off at me and he asked how i was doing and i said something like well im still feeling the depression and having bad anxiety... and he said "thats good, so i'll see you in 7 months for another med review" and i was like umm... is that it? and he was like yep and i was like ok thanks... and i just walked out and never went back...
i guess he just was tired of me... but i was not difficult with him ever besides the drugs not working on me the way he wanted to or something... even on all of those drugs i was having insomnia and night terrors... anxiety and depression... but whatever... i guess i was liaing...
but i cant remember anyway so they can say whatever they want and convince anyone that its the truth because i cant remember...
same like when they made me go to the hospital... god i was hurting so bad that finally when the therapists talked with me i think on the second day being there i couldnt stop crying... but they told me i was bipolar too and manic and put me on the depakote and perphenazine and.. something else.. whatever it was i cant remember... they made everyone do 8 group meetings a day... i was there for 8 days.. and i remember just the crying part... and one part where one of the guys i guess he was psychotic at the time he was flipping out and yanked my notebook i was writing in out of my hand and threw it at me.. i guess he thought i was an agent spying on him or something... (not making fun..) but he reminded me of my psychotic step brother that almost killed me a few times so he was really triggering to me... i would lay in the bed scared he was going to bust in the room and try to kill me...
and i remember in one of the meetings they wanted us to use the dry erase board to talk about our "illness" or whatever... i cant remember what they called it but it seemed like it was mostly relevant to bipolars... because they wanted us to do a timeline thing with a wave graph showing how our mood fluxed... and i just drew a graph where it overlapped because i was like this is how "I" feel... up here and down here at the same time... i never feel normal or ok is what i told them... but it wasnt really like me because i never do public speaking and i even volunteered to go first.. i think part of me was like if you do it first and get it out of the way because no one else wants to do it everyone will forget what you say...
but the depakote was messin with my head too... i guess..
grrrrrr i hate not being able to say things
doesnt matter what i wanna say, just doesnt matter...

i dont even know anymore... im so tired... tired of being so stupid...
robb me of my child hood and now let me destroy the rest of my life i gues.... but im not a victim.. im just weak...

i dont do drugs anymore...(although i want to so bad sometimes because i cant take it anymore) i might smoke weed once a month and have a couple beers once a month... but i just dont know how it could mess my brain up like this... im probably just brain dead and have some kind of brain cancer that has eaten holes in my brain and now im just slowly dieing, or already died and im just in some kind of limbo ...
when i was high and drunk i just didnt give a * about things because i could turn it all off - if i started to feel something - i didnt have enough in my system... but obviously i had sober weeks even then but whatever...
it doesnt matter..

im probably just dieing and too clueless to realize it... probably should feel a lot of pain but cant because im so disconnected.. just makes me sad that maybe one day my family is going to find me dead laying in the bed or floor or something...
i dont care about dieing but i dont want anyone to be sad because of me....
i dont like to hurt anyone...

its ok though.... i've read everything i can so really there isn't anything else i can read hehe... nothing left to obsesse...
i just thought something or someone could put things into perspective because everything is so skewed to me... and my mind is taking its own route which is to derail me and just make me give up and run away... forget about it all... dont go to the doctor, dont talk to anyone about anything... nothing wrong... nothing to see....
i want help so bad but i dont know if i can... i know i have avoidant tendencies...
but im so tired.... i dont care... oh god i cant make any sense...

i dont know what to say..

appreciate your responses... and advices...
i want to try to sleep for some weeks... but if i do my family will see that im not well...
even as master of disguises im just losing strength.. ability... even will to hide...
but even though im so tired i cant stop it... ill be crying here and turn around to walk outside for a cig and dad there i see and turn to look and smile and say somethings, i dunno what.. i always have something to say to cover everything up... some how... because if i dont it will hurt them...
why hurt others because im hurt... why cause more pain... i dont want to be a disease that spreads to other people... i just want it to stop... why cant this part of me die so i can just be the illusion

no one knows... i dont really know what people think about me anymore... i probably look like a huge fake.... im supposed to have severe depression and anxiety but most what people see they would probably be like "oh he's so kind and fun and caring to be around i dont think he has any problems"
but the pain you feel of suffering so much alone.... and then the pain because no one knows and probably does thinks you are a fake... even the doctors thinking you are some fake or something... im so tired...
i cant say how much i just want to give up... i want it to stop.... i just want it to stop...
i relly cant live like this... im trying so hard just for my family... there is nothing left of me... but there are parts me inside my family and i dont want to hurt the m....
what ever i am... i dunno what i've become....
im just tired... thats all i can think... it makes the most sense to me... im so tired...
i guess thats all i can say.... i dunno what to do... but the things ive done, whatever..
exhausted...
i try to scream, but i give a blank stare... i dunno what i look like anymore like this because if what i feel inside showed any on the outside i would think someone could see... but i withdraw so much so fast all the time at the right times for the right amount of time to fix things inside so i can put up with the outside world just a little longer that probably no one would ever see...
god i piss my self off so bloody much, bloody idiot - never in my life have i ever seen anyone so damn difficult ..

for 2 years i've been practically sober... trying to get things in order to recover atleast a piece of my life to have a future with...
but it doesnt matter because my efforts are in vain.. what i try this hour, wont matter next hour... what i've done these past few years, just made me worse... i would rather be high and drunk than feel these things and see these things inside of me...

im going to stop because im turning dark and i cant write the things im thinking/feeling...

stop in general, gotta make myself stop... wtf is wrong with someone they cant control their own mind i dont know...
JUST STOP


im trying really hard...
im going to go stare at the wall and try escape from myself...
dunno why it hurt so much sometimes.... i guess because you try for so long and you just fail at that too... doesnt make you feel good when efforts dont amount to anything....
but then ... nah it doesnt matter... im sorry about being such a mess...
all of you are kind people, i hope you have some good days...
i wish everyone could be happy... world no pain...
sorry i cant focus... am going to try to escape for some days...