When I was diognosed my dreams of getting better, my dream career went out the window. I was hoping I over exaturated. That meds would give me the ability to succeed in school. My first pdoc was an idiot and didn’t see the psycosis. She just kept threatening to hospitalize me. Which made me not trust her with anything. She wanted me in therapy but I didn't trust therapists.

My main problem is accepting there's something actually wrong with me. Before meds I would just lay down and "go away" for a while and my mania is because "there's so many stupid people in the world ". My psycosis shows up as strange thoughts but to me that's who I am. In some ways I lack insight other ways I'm really good at insight. I think that's my problem accepting the diognose.

I had dreams and bp stole them. I can't even volunteer without running the risk of psycosis. I know I have other disabilities but they don't seem as bad as bp. To be honest I wanted bpd (didn't know it was called that). Not to lessen anyone's experience of that just the idea of therapy helping what's wrong with my moods without meds appeals to me.

I have this HUGE debt now with nothing to show for it. I know a lot of you are going to think I didn't have to give up my dreams but the long odd hours in a high stress environment is not conductive to bp. I was suppose to be able to pay my student loans back and pay taxes for all the help I got in college but now I'm stuck on assistance for the rest of my life do to bp. So that's why it's hard for me to accept the diognose even though I'm the poster child for bp.