I keep coming back to my ex not wanting me. I think it has to do with never having a firm ground of love to grow from. maybe I should embrace the chaos of just having little bit of love that sometimes came when I was little. This is my life now, I have friends, a beautiful man to date, kids that are grown up - good things, but nothing I can hold on to, or count on to make plans with and I don't think I ever will. I keep eating food to keep me anchored to the earth. This is a good chaos, I have control over where I live and what I do, now that I am an adult.