Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
Yep, that's what happened. I wasn't alone in this derailing. I analyzed and communicated my needs in every way possible. It is The Twilight Zone how he swears he gets it, promises to give me what I want (which is simply passionate love making. You'd think a man would be cool with that!). But then he doesn't do it and acts like it's a mystery to him.
I have wondered if I never loved him, but that's not true. If I am truly capable of love, I love him. I feel love and compassion for him. I want to see him happy. I want him to turn me on and at times he does. I think his laugh is sexy. Yes, I have this pre-conceived notion of how I think a man who loves me is supposed to act. There's an ease about it, a putting his arms around me, taking me, like we are one. Is that so crazy to want to feel?
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It's not crazy to want to feel but it doesn't mean that your H is capable of being & giving you what you want in exactly the way you want it.
Ugh, by the end of our marriage I had so many demands for change & asked him why he never tried. He actually said he had worked at changing & that he thought he had changed. If he had, the changes were so small that I couldn't have seen them anyway. It wasn't until after I left that I realized why I was also incapable of feeling an emotional attachment. I never knew or felt it from my own parents ( my dad I'm sure was on the autistic spectrum after realizing that my H had been also). I honestly had no idea what love felt like so obviously I had no idea if that was what I was feeling or not....only years later when I started being able to emotionally connect even with friends did I learn that I was capable....but it also showed me that there are some who aren't capable of that connection or at least showing it in an obvious way. Some people have just grown up in such emotionally dysfunctional families that they have no idea how even when someone tells them how, the internal emotional development isn't there to make it happen.
Marriage is complex & sometimes we stay & tolerate for a time because there are reasons. At the end, my H said he never thought I would leave. He said he thought if I stayed for 33 years I would tolerate him for the rest of our lives. Sounded just like a child IMO. I stayed until my escape became possible. Even then I left the door open for him to change...had no idea at the time it was impossible.
Sometimes we tolerate nails on the chalkboard if we have no other possibility or we can find the exit door in the maze....but we seem to always hold the hopes that our actual leaving will jolt them into change. It's sad when it doesn't but it's not always their choice but their in capability to change that can be the cause