My therapist and I agreed to write out and journal my thoughts. I wanted to share this information with you. This is something that happened back in 2008/2009.

I was 18 years old and got my first job. I did catering at a professional club. I was a waiter and worked very hard and was successful. Airmen on the airbase use to approach me shake my hand and congratulate me for my hard work. I met the corporate higher ups of Grotto's pizza they shook my hand as well and said things like "your doing evil things here." It was highly strange but i shook it off as normal.

I was on cloud 9, life was amazing. I was working out daily, going to work. People were so friendly and loved me. Coworkers we all got along for a while. Then I hung out with my duty manager at her house to watch football. I vented about my brother at her house. I started yelling stuff like "how would you feel if your parents forced your brother to take medicine for schizophrenia when he didn't have it." My brother really has schizophrenia i was just stressed from the high stress job of professional catering. Well, i thought nothing of this right now. I just went to work the next day and enjoyed myself continued working hard. Well eventually this manager added me on facebook and myspace. This is when things got wierd. Somehow people seemed to know alot of things about me. They knew alot. It was almost as if someone was relaying everything i put on social media around the workplace. I would vent to this manager because i was positive she was a friend and trustworthy. she would give me advice and be very friendly.

Well then things got REALLY SCARY FAST. My coworkers slowly began to hate me. Customers and the workers at grotto's pizza too. I did not work for grotto's I worked somewhere attached to Grottos. This got so wierd and scary, i Didn'tunderstand what was going on or why people wer changin their attitudes. It would be such a dramatic quick change of personality that one day they liked them then the VERY NEXT DAY without transition i was hated. So I freaked out, everyone treated me like some insane unstable person. I began the need to "prove my sanity". I was desperate and had nobody to vent to or no support system. So i tried to open up to my parents about work. Well when i talked about what was going on at work, i would just yell and scream and it was impossible for me to talk calmly about it. My dad said. "NO job i mean NO job is worth this"

My parents got concerned and started to "investigate" and find out what was going on. I told them about the manager i watched football with who lived down the street. So they visited her, the next time i saw my parents. They looked at me like they hated me and started saying things like. "so your just gonna use me then?"

I now no longer had car rides to work, i began walking. I didnt have a license or car, my parents were my transportation. But they they too treat me like everyone else in society. So its like hey fml.

So i keep going to work. Keep working hard, and keep trying to cope. I kept working out in the gym never let up never stopped trying and kept fighting and fighting. This is my first job, i thought all this was normal. I was insecure about my sanity and thought i might of been schizophrenic. Well people began to talk about me and spread rumors about me. My gym turned into an unsafe place to be. My job was unsafe. The mall, everywhere i went was unsafe. I would get certain looks from peoples eyes that would trigger me and cause me great anxiety. If i was at the mall and saw certain people i would get anxiety attacks. I began surveying the whole room 24/7 If i didnt know who was who and what everyone was doing, I was unsafe. I had to constantly look over nad over again. And i had to know everyones facial expression, if i saw THAT look. I would freak.

eventually cops caught on to my instability. I remember hanging out in the mall buying christmas gifts for my family. 5 mall cops start to beem me down for no apparent reason. I wasn't doing anything illegal. But it scared me to death so i ran out of the mall to my university. I thought i was just paranoid there is no reason those cops were after me. Well i got to my university and when i got there i was arrested and hang cuffed by the university police, they were sitting there waiting for me and knew i was coming. The police then asked me in the car "jail or inpatient". I told them jail they took me to the campus counseler and he convinced me to go inpatient. I can never look at cops the same ever again. I get anxiety attacks all the time by seeing cops. It doesn't matter where i see them, it happens.

Well i eventually broke down from all the stress. I had my first psychotic episode, i thought the radio was controlling me, i thought social media was manipulating me and i thought that tv commercials wer sending me messages to affect me and every musical song i listened to was about me and sending me cryptic messages. This sucked because now that i have these problems going on all my previous stuff sounds like psychosis too.

I remember going to the gym and the chief of the whole airbase i was at was afraid to see me. We are talking a high up airmen in the US Airforce. I remember telling therapists about this and all they had to say is, Why would a high ranking officer in the military be afraid of you?

so i stopped going to the gym, i stopped leaving my house, i stopped socializing i stopped going to the mall. All i did was work and go home. Everywhere i went it didnt matter where. It was like everyone knew me. Everyone knew what happened and everyone hated me. If i went to a new city or something i wouldn't feel like this, but in my small city / small state, it was obvious. SOmetimes people didn't genuinely know what happened. But i would feel as if they did.

I remember getting my next job trying to work hard and be a good employee. Eventually i thought everyone was invading my privacy again and i flipped out. I thought people were slandering my name again, nobody was. I remember going in one day at work cussing everyone out and yelling i quit infront of customers. I went inpatient again. Then managed to get my job back after i calmed down. Nobody listened to the idea i might have PTSD, nobody believed what i had to say really happened. It was all put down as psychosis. A doctor once told me, "i have a bias opinion towards you, i cannot unsee psychosis in you." he then reccomended when i get more stable to find someone who wasn't bias, and get a 2nd opinion.

well years go by and iget my 3rd job i was working at a research position at my university. People started talking about me again, i was involved in work politics again. I remember losing my mind alittle, i lost focus and have a huge anxiety attack where i felt the need to prove my sanity again. I would send messages all through facebook saying "im not crazy im not crazy" they university called the cops on me because they knew my bipolar Diagnosis and thought i was having a dangerous episode. So the cops took me to the questioning room on campus to see if i was a danger to anyone, all i would say is bits and pieces of what happened back in 2008/2009, its now like 2013. I couldnt string to gether anything coherent. The cops deemed me safe and said i can go home. My sister came to pick me up and we went and voluntarily committed myself to a hospital. Where i spent the next week living a living hell. The first couple of days i spent my time in the feetle position hearing a loud ringing noise. When people were around me i woud get really tense and foggy in my head. I would tell people and the nurses "i just need to be left alone" They would continue to pester me and force me into group meetings because i wasnt "participating" well it would cause me to get angry and snap at them uncontrollably. Then a doctor tried to prescribe me 25 mg zyprexa after i very politely stated i refused to take that medicine. The nurses forced me to take it anyone and i spent a day or so with intense tremors.

Oh and another time i went to the ER before this i was so bent out of the shape. I couldnt take life anymore i couldnt shower i couldnt eat and i couldnt sleep. The stress was unbearable. So i went to the ER, all i could muster to explain my situation at the ER was, A SOCIOPATH IS OUT TO GET ME. Everyone was there, cops were there too. Everywhere i went cops seem to get called on me i was labeled. Society hated me. Anyway so i go inpatient again. The people at inpatient didnt believe my stories and swept it under the rug as psychosis. All because i do indeed have SOME psychotic symptoms and have been through some psychosis issues. Such as thinking i was a creative genius.

The creative genius persona was just my way of saying "hey look, im sane". I manifested it inside me to cope.

Well more years go by its 2016 now. I'm on medicine that works for my psychosis. I'm on injection now, i agree, im bipolar 1 with psychotic features. But now i also got diagnosed with PTSD. While being stable for a long time i said to myself, ok maybe i dont have ptsd. So i went back out into the public slowly but surely and began to start to integrate myself in reality. People were nice to me because. Nobody knew me. That look went away from peoples faces that triggered me so badly and i moved to a new city where i don't have to run into any familiar faces. The only trigger that i deal with is seeing cops in public. But even to this day, 8 years later... I get problems. Its not as bad as it use to be, but the problems are still there.