First of all apologies for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language. Also apologies for a possible long text. I do not know if this is the right subforum to place this.

For many years now I have been depressed. It all started at primary school, every class has one person who instantly is considered the weakest of them all. I was that person, I was reserved, didn't talk if I nothing was said to me, introvert in every way. Naturally I was a perfect target for bullies. Primary school was hell for me, daily being called names, excluded from everything, just being an outcast. They did tons of things, like taking away my shoes and socks, filling them with snow. Threatening me with death a day after a close family member passed away. Calling me tons of humiliating names day after day.

After primary school I thought it would stop, a new school and new chances. Sadly I was wrong, it only got worse, in high school I got beaten up many times. It was basically like a video game, a new level, it just got more difficult to survive. Then came college... maturity... well let's just say that most classmates there didn't mature at all, even when you should expect this at such an age.

Got bullied for many reasons, none good of course. I was bad at sports, wasn't a loudmouth such as most, I enjoyed video games, didn't like the same type of music and so on. Now the thing is... I could never let go of all the hate I got for the bullies, it's consuming me day after day, I notice that I get more aggressive, more violent every day. Don't have any healthy ways of letting go from it, all I do is destructive to myself. It's at a maximum level now. I went to a psychologist, was diagnosed with minor depression, the treatment didn't work at all since nothing changed. I reached my maximum time of the treatment with this psychologist so I was referred to another. Had to answer many question forms this time. They didn't give me a concrete name of any disorder, they just said the test gave results related to paranoia and severe depression, sadly for some reason treatment doesn't start till end of the year, I can't wait that long... I already am at my limit and don't think I can endure any more pain but they really sad there was no way to speed this up. I overthink daily, don't trust anybody, don't have friends, even if I get close to somebody I destroy the friendship by becoming totally paranoid and accusating them of things that are all in my head yet I do not notice this until after it has happened. Never had a girlfriend either. Feel totally alone and suicidal, but don't have the guts to do it since I don't want to leave my family nor pets alone with the burden I leave behind then.

Does anybody have any advice, anything at all that might help me with just finding a way to deal with my problems? Thanks.