Hi and welcome to PC, you are safe here and this is a supportive, friendly environment.

You have gone through so much and it sounds like you are at your wit's end. I empathize and I am concerned for you.

In your current state, being suicidal and aggressive - I think you need help right now. Is there a hospital that provides mental health crisis services you can check into ? Explain you are suicidal and aggressive - this will give you a safe place to get immediate care and stabilized. In the USA, some of these hospitals are government-funded and are free. Others are not free but work on a sliding income scale or will let you make small monthly payments. Also, you can go directly to a "regular" hospital and go to their Emergency room and explain your situation. They can help you from there.

I know you don't want to burden your family or leave your pets behind - but this is exactly when you need to reach out to family and let them know what is going on. If they don't live nearby, ask someone like a neighbor to take your pets to be safely kept at a veterinary clinic while you get the care that you need NOW.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing and we are glad that you are here. Take care.