Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelinglady
Hello, TooManyDays, and welcome to Psych Central! I can't say I've had your experience, but I can understand how that would happen. Even in a good matched marriage, people do change. The main thing is whether your partner is willing to accept your changes and grow with you.
I do believe passionate love exists. I encourage you not to give up on your marriage. See if she would go to counseling with you. Maybe phrase it like "I want our marriage to be the best it can because I love you." If she won't go, then go by yourself. You might just find that your woman is a great fit for you. She is a known entity, so to speak. If you leave, then you might not find someone. Who knows?
Congrats on working to improve yourself and your great strides in feeling good about yourself.
Again, welcome!  |
Thanks for your reply. I guess I have to question the meaning of the word love as you used it above: "...because I love you." Sure, I love my wife, but in a dispassionate companionate way. We met 17 years ago. If we met today we wouldn't even be friends. I love her because she's the mother of my child. I love her because we have a history together. That could possibly be enough for me, but I would have to accept that many of my needs will never be met. And I would have to accept that I would never get a chance to find out what a different kind of love feels like.
I already see a therapist. We've discussed counseling as a couple as well. But truthfully, there's nothing we can talk about in counseling and nothing I can do on my own that will make her exciting to me. There's nothing that she could do to make me fall in love with her. I feel almost zero romantic attraction to her. I don't even enjoy spending time with her. Maybe that's just how all relationships end up, in which case why do people stay together at all? I don't need a business partner in raising a child. I need to feel like my life has more love and connection than I will ever get from this marriage. Maybe I'm answering my own questions here.
Maybe the quintessential lifelong monogamous relationship is just a totally false ideal? Maybe the best thing to do is have multiple relationships simultaneously or in sequence. I hate rules.