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Old May 16, 2016, 02:30 PM
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mulan mulan is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,049
I don't like to bother other people in the forum with my posts.
I am a little selfish, it's how I am. Sometimes I have the need to have people listening to me, cheering me up and beeing nice with me. But I hardly do the same; I normaly don't feel like doing that, I don't care.
Let me justify myself, to not look bad. I don't know any of these people, I can read about their problems but many times it's hard to empathize and become truely concerned about that one person because I have no ideia what lies beyond. These are not enough for me to build a person and a personality in my head.

I don't think I am a cold person. I think of me as someone with a heart that can be moved easily by other people problems, so, clearly this two things don't add up. But I don't think they can't exist together.

I blame in part the indifference I feel towards the world in general, and maybe I say that this is depressions fault. I accept that I am selfish and that I don't care about other people as much as I should do, and sincerely, I am tired of hating myself for not caring, so I embrace it now (I think).

I am really tired of fighting my flaws and getting disapointed with myself everytime. If I don't feel like doing whatever I don't feel like doing I guess trying it is even worse, trying is feeling bad even so and pretending to someone else...and so feeling bad while making me do some thing I don't want to, just because it is the right moral thing to do and still feeling bad at the end.

I didn't plan to write this, as I normally don't have a reason to post or same to say. I do it when I feel that urge not to be alone and to been listened to.
Today I am sad, sometimes happens just because... And so I was here thinking to my self how meanless is my life. How I for years have not been living, but just existing, not having important memorable moments in my life, not having a real friend. That's who I am, mentaly fealing far away from every living soul and doing my responsabilities because I have to do them. But there's no passion in my life and I kind have the feeling that this life will always be with me. I mean, so many years, if something was to change it already had change, there were many opportunities.

It's just that my life is so dull and I have been stucked with it for an eternity. I really just wanted people to know that, not anyone in particular. And in fact if I try to think about anyone in particular I am not sure I want to tell my story to someone. But then here I am, alone, fighting this unfair battle on my own, while everyone out there has the opportunity to live their lifes. I just want someone in the universe to valorize my story. Someone to understand that I have all the right to be unhappy. I want the world to feel simpaty for me (someone, somewhere). I guess I want someone to validate my feelings.

Shouting them in my head is just a bunch o echoes that never leave.
Hugs from:
elevatedsoul, Fuzzybear