Thank you so much for sharing. I agree with what everyone says here. But something happened; I guess I just realized how insane/sick it all was. Saying things to make me jealous etc. I guess I just can't meet her sickness with abandonment, only compassion. It's hard for her to take criticism. So talking about it, working it out, isn't an option at the present moment. Are those the only ways to deal with it?

She does indeed have some self awareness. I recently learned that she has NEVER had any therapy. This really amazes me. There is something about her resilience and that she does not play the victim, that I just simply admire. I've been through some stuff myself, like we all have.

This has been somewhat of a remarkable journey for me. For whatever reason I just don't judge her. If I did, it would have ended badly long ago. It seems as though the more I just simply accept and allow, more doors open up and growth occurs.

Case and point. 8 months after her daughter was born, she went back to work. She always thought she wanted to be a mother. But as soon as she did have a child, she couldn't handle it. She NEVER changed a diaper, her mom and ex did. After she divorced, her mother ended up taking care of her daughter. Just like how her grandmother took care of her. History repeating itself, the cycle continues.

She was an attorney back home. She just took a daycare job. All her friends scoffed, joked and made fun of her about how absurd it was. Her? Taking care of babies? No way!

It surprised me too. Especially after she told me her story of how she handled her daughter. It all didn't make a whole lot of sense. Why would she take a job that so obviously wasn't a good fit?

Her first day, a child is covered in poop. She was so nervous about her first day that she just jumped into action, changed the diaper and cleaned up the child. After it was all done, she was amazed at herself. She couldn't believe she did it. Now she changes diapers all the time.

She also in the past refused to hold her friends kids that were very young and couldn't hold up their heads. She was fearful that she would do something wrong. Once again in the heat of the moment she had to hold 2 month old and once again transcended her fear and has now bonded with the 2 month old.

I love to eye gaze. When i first met her, she could barely look me in the eyes for more than 2 seconds, her eyes always darted away and we never were able to drop in the moment with each other. As time progressed and some trust was formed she would look at me longer and longer. She thanked me for this and said she never has looked anyone in the eyes. In the past she would stare off into the distance while people were talking to her, concentrating on their every word. She would get criticized by her colleagues for not paying attention, like she was somewhere else when they were talking to her. I think it was just a coping mechanism, looking away.

She told me this weekend of how she looks these babies in the eyes. And how they stare back at her. She says she can see the pureness of their souls and that there is this unsaid understanding between them. When she says stuff like this, it touches me. It is like she is healing herself.

When I first met her, she was very demanding. Strongly suggesting that I pull out her chair, open car doors, restaurant doors, help her put on her jacket etc. Things a "gentleman" would do. While I do come from this type of background. I resented being forced to do so. In other words she likes to control.

Initially she used the same tactics with the children. Do this, do that, please be quiet etc. It works for a while but then the children rebel against being forced or controlled and soon go back to the undesired behavior. So she said she tried to be more loving, present and to speak from her heart and the kids responded in kind. And she said it had a lasting effect and moreover each day she gains trust from the little ones. She no longer pushes me to open doors etc from me. Sometimes I do it sometimes I don't. I feel we have transcended this situation entirely, more healing.

There is 1 special needs child. Slow in development, heart problems etc. She says she see herself in this one and gives him extra love and care. To me she is this beautiful person who is transcending her old stories. It's like happening right in front of me!

I don't know whether she will get "well" or "cure" herself. However, I've learned this great lesson. I think by allowing her to be herself with no judgement from me. Has given space for both of us to grow. Furthermore, she has allowed me to grow as well. She does not judge my undesirable behavior. So instead of being in a defensive mode, defending my actions and moreover not blaming her for MY behavior. Has allowed me to grow as well.

Surrender is not being a push over or a door mat. By this I mean simply allowing what "is" and not judging it. Staying present allows what is and when something that would normally cause dissonance in me happens I make myself transparent and it just passes through me instead of taking over my egoic mind and engaging in a fight that would yield no results or perhaps just cause more pain and suffering.

The big lesson for me here is that we have a choice. Do I choose to take a stance? Defend my egoic position and fight for what is right for me? OR do I just allow, accept, let things go and surrender? The latter is much more peaceful for me and has proven to be much more productive. Little miracles are happening all the time. I simply have to stay present and then I notice.

Did that make any sense?