I'm sorry for not answering sooner. I have struggled with your questions. I guess I might appear to be acting like a door mat.

Needs? What are needs? Things we require others fulfill in order to make us happy? Do we really want to give someone that power? And moreover do we want to run the risk to count on them to make us happy? So we are in somewhat of agreement here.

Ok, the extreme example, let's put it to the test.

"By your logic, I should not blame my bf if I feel angry and betrayed if I found out he cheated on me."

Sure you have every right to feel angry and betrayed in this example. But does it serve you? Does it make the pain go away? Feeling anger and betrayal will not feel good. Agree? To me this is an old story. Something we are all very familiar with. Furthermore society tells us we should feel angry and betrayed in this situation. But are there other choices? Ones that would not make us feel so bad?

I know this might sound a bit off. But what if you just forgave him? What if you showed him compassion and understanding? This sometimes happens anyway, even after a heated argument and lots of not so nice things said. Why not skip all that *rap and just go directly to healing? Basically when you fight you are defending a mental position, cheating is bad, he did wrong etc.

Why not take away the blame game, right or wrong, good or bad etc? Why not choose not to be hurt? I know that may sound impossible, but it is a choice.

By your logic, I would have "no right" to express my negative feelings as he is not responsible for them... ???

You have every right to have negative feelings. But does it really serve you? By letting go of it, allowing it to just "be" you might feel some peace. Granted you probably won't be happy. But does getting upset really help you? Does getting upset resolve anything? I feel it just makes you feel upset and moreover your boyfriend. Maybe he will feel guilty? But does that really resolve anything?

Why not skip over that part? And just accept that he did something? It's all in the past, there is nothing you can do about it. The question is what will you do? Or not? Maybe he is not the right guy for you? Or maybe he simply made a mistake. How you react or not, is always a choice.

Forget about him for a sec. It's all about you and the choices you make. And on a purely selfish level, do you want to feel bad about it? If not, then choose not to. Just because society says you should feel a certain way, doesn't mean you have to.

I think this is were transcendence occurs. When you dare to choose a different approach. We all know the yelling game, blame game and the result of such. "Honey, I promise not to do it again." And surprise it happens again.

What's that saying, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result." Or something like that. Why not transcend your fear with love? At the very least, it will be more peaceful and you will not experience the self induced pain. Yes he did something that was not nice. But it is your choice to feel angry and betrayed. Yes, you have the right to feel that way. But is the feelings of anger and betrayal what you really want?

Did that make any sense?