i didn't want to post more for some time so i can collect myself, but i just wanna ask something small..
i know i've said a lot of things, i dunno really what ive said here and im too scared to go back and read things because it just sends me through many different things...
so just dont make myself to concrete whatever i have said because im a liquid and i change as much as water moves through a river bed...
but i dont like people to know this because i am very vulnerable and i want to be solid so that no one can hurt me...

first - i have sincerely never tried to self diagnose.. i dont want anyone to get the wrong idea... even to the doctors i never tried to tell them what i have... i just tried to explain symptoms using text book analyses because i am highly scientific and like to be exact at what i say and if i cant understand what im saying i will practice "selective mutism" because i cant say anything i dont know.. or understand... i guess thats what i do... i dunno, really, again, dont take me for what im saying because i dont bloody know anymore what im doing...

i don't know if i do have any type of dissociative disorder or not, i dont know if i ... um... i duno, i know i suffer from extreme depersonalization... no doctors have talked to me about this that i know of but i dont think i have tried to talk about it either because i didnt want anyone to tell me im schizophrenic like my psychotic step brother that repeatedly traumatized me... (he wasnt the only trauma in my life... but what a bloody shame...)

this has all been beside the points....

im here in this thread because i feel like maybe people with a dissociative dissoder would onderstand my memory more than a normie....
i know substances effect memory, but i have really been getting myself sober and clean so i can try to get my life together so i can maybe be happy and survive and spend quality time with my family and parents before they die.... because i have no memories with them that are good ... all i have is the trauma... and it hurts, deeply you know.. because i know how bad they want me to feel ok and be happy and succeed.... but i cant... and i feel like they thing its their fault... and i dunno maybe it is, but i cant blame them because i love them.... and they love me....

which is also besides the points....
im sorry i dont make much sense, when i start trying to write these things i start crying and its so hard.... please dont be annoyed with me....
im not going to continue to do this... i just dont want to be alone... even though i want to be alone and die... i dont want to... i want to be happy and make everyone happy and help other people that are hurting be happy....
no one deserves to feelthese pains... something that hurts so much on so many levels so deep you cant explain... to have people look at you in confusion knot knowing what is wrong and thinking you just need to snap out of it.....
because you simply cant express your pain because doing so would mean its GOING TO HURT!!!! and people are going to see it and they are going to want to console you and you just dont want it at all because you dont even want to acknowledge it....
i have no clue if anything i ever say makes sense.... i fight with myself alot about all of this... about even coming to this website or even trying to explain....
i am drunk so im trying to take advantage while my brain is not able to stop me....

here i go again writing a long message when all i wanted was to write something simple...

god... i dont even remember what i wanted to write...

why does my mind do this to me.......

****....

i cant remember.... i wanted to ask so bad.... i thought you guys would know the answer....
this is so stupid...

maybe my memory loss is normal you know... i have asked others about their memory over the past 5 months... what they think, how they recall things... how they see their memories... and tested them ... to see what they can remember through the day...
but my memory seems so different.... i think i might really be brain dead..... i dont even think dissssociation could account for something like that.... i mean ... im always a blank slate.... i know i cant explain... when i try it comes out wrong because im just stupid.... blank slate is the best way to say.... its like you are constantly under a water fall that is continuously washing the ink off your slate.... and nothing is sticking....
i know i have a past because i have flash backs.... i know i have a past because i have family...... i know i have a past because people tell me things....... i cant say how much it hurts to see a picture and not know........ because it was important to someone but i cant remember...... and i just pretend like i know because i dont want to hurt ANYONE.... i say something must seriously be wrong with me....... but then i say im just exaggerateing.... because wtf.... im supposed to be healthy.... the doctors tell me i am ok....... but i think i must be dead.... in hell... or dieing.... because my brain does not work for me.... for me in the sese that it does what it wants... it remembers things, it remembers everything, but i cant... i have so many filters and blocks.... i cant..... i cant do anything to stop it....... #1 priority, the mission, is to not hurt anyone.... my family is my most valued asset..... i dont want anything in life... besides my family be happy.... thats all i want.... its my only care.... i want them to be happy because they can live the live i wanted.... they deserve it if they can achieve it..... but i cant.... buecause i have tried so hard..... i have tried so hard to be normal..... i have tried so hard to heal.... i have tried so hard to forget....... i have tried so hard to .... whatever, it doesnt mater what i sy.... i have tried.....
but you know what happens to me.... no matter how many times i change .... i come back to this center..... this damaged vessel.... this one that is not capable.... i can barely make myself get out of bed...... i can barely make myself breathe..... i wont eat for days.... i will drink as much alcohol as i can get.... i will do what i can to stop the pain.... because when i come back to this center i am hurting so bad no one can understand...... i cant describe the pain.... i try to hide from.... i try to manipulate.... i try to bleed and hurt myself to change it so i can know i did it instead of hurting inside so deeply that it feels like i just need to die to make it stop...... because it wont stop.... it wont go away.... i cant surive this.... i am trying...... god i am trying...... i renounced my faith in christianity because GOD does not care about me.... demons dontg give a ****.... angels dont watch.... i am in this box with a million spears piercing in and out because i cant escape..... and maybe i deserve it..... but i dont know what i did to deserve to go through misery soch as this.... what did i do .... i cant understand..... why i deserve to crawl and pull myself across the floor in agony until the final blow trying to sruvive and get to the other side so i can be there for my family..... why doesnt he just finish me offf...... why is it necesary i do this......
i tri to be smart... everyone tells me im genius, im brillient im no know is happening all around and understand everyone and everyones feelings and what they are going through and give amazing advice to help peolp move on....... but look at me..... a pathetic existence..... trying to be godly.... trying to save ovthers when im condemning and amning my own existines.....

im no angel..... im not fit for it at all.... i would tell myself that we have to drag ourselve through the deepest pits of hell before we can become angel.... but what has it goten me.... burns... scars.... pains.... flashbacks.... horrors..... things that cant be forgotn...... i am pathietic..... and i dont know if i can do it..... if there is a god he is laughing and my ridiculous failure.... throwing stones because i cant pick myself up.... and all i want is for it to stop.... to please make it end.... but i cant do it, i cant because i dont want it to escape me and spread to others..... i have to keep this poison inside.... and i refuse to contanimnate those i love.... even if they hurt me..... i dont care....

i know i am fooolish.... i am really an idiot and i know because i have seen many profs.....

for axample what im doing here, i dont know what im saying, but im writing non sense.... to strangeRs! to people that are hurt.... to people that are misrebly probably more tha nme... but im so weak.... and i cant.... i dont know twhat to do......
just forgive me.... i dont want to hurt anyone.... i dont want anyone to feel bad..... i just want everyone to be happy......

this is stupid.... i dunno what im saying.... i came here because i wanted to ask a simple question....
but i cant remember what the **** i wanted to ask.......
it was something simple about memory.... im trying so hard to remember....

ah **** **** it all i remember is i was just standing on the steps smoking a cig and talking to myself as usal... and i said maybe the nice people here could answer such a simple question and be ok if i just say it in 1 sentence....

i ****ing hate myself so much.... im so tired of this miserable existence i try so hard to put up with.... all i wanted was a little help......

why am i even here.... you guys suffer so much i dunno why im posting anything so stupid.....
all i do here is fuel the ignorance i continue to keep alive inside of me..... because what i have is this that i dont know... something what you all cant see and i cant explain.....
i am so tired........ god why do you forsake me.....
just take it all away once and for all please..... stop ****ing with me and end it......
making me think im going crazy and i know im just.... dieing....... weak and pathetic....

im a crying little *****...... but i cant even remember what the **** i came here for....
im so sick of this.... im so sick of it omg........ im SICK OF MYSELF BECAUSE I CANT TELL ANYONE WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME and everyone thinkgs im some bloody manipulating fake liar exgerating stupff to make ... make what.... what the hell do i ask from anyone..... i dont ask anything all i do is give myself to evreyone, i do everyting im can for everyone but what i can do for myserlf.... bleed, im bleeding on the inside... im bleeding on the outside.... with every pump my heart spits pain into my brain... driving me insane because that is the game.... they sai to make it rain for he is lame and nothing he can do to regain the claim.... this is not my life.... i have no life..... life isnt real anyway..... my exisetnce is a joke, an illusion those created to test the limits on that which one cals a mind.... i want to end it so bad...... i just want it to stop..... im so tired......
and here i am... writing ********.... when all i wanted was ask somgthing simple.... i gotta get real.... playing into their game is just going to give them what they want..... i cant take it anymore and want to stop.... but everytime i try its what they want me to do.... its another move to shift things into another gear.... when the heart stops and the brain ceases to breathe.... thats when ill be released..... until then.... im going to try to stay away from everyone..... because i am toxic....... and cancerous.... and i dont want to hurt anyone.... or drag them down with me..... what a life.... isnt it great.... the tests you can endure.... to try to proove your pure...... i cant .... im not.... i am filthy..... ans sick..... so just let me go..... just stop pushing me..... stop mayking it hurt..... stop showing me things, i dont want to know....

god im so stupid..... why come here and post something so .... what hte hell would you call it.... its pathetic.....
im hurting..... im so hurting...... i cant.... just ****ing cant...... i hope NOEONE reaods this.... why would anyone read thigs.... dont read this.......