feeling like i can't be happy unless i'm slowly picking myself apart. even if i think things are going good, no i have to wreck them because easy would be too uncomfortable. things aren't normal unless i'm suffering. if i'm not suffering i'd better drink myself into a hole or starve or deprive myself of sleep until i can't tell day from night or cut. just when i'm getting used to the reflection in the mirror i feel the need to tear myself apart.