I don't see how one could avoid admitting it - I lived it for almost a year, had opposition staring me in the face every now and again online. And I had kids of downtime to think and reflect; being self-centered is actually an advantage here, since I kind of instinctively relate anything I hear or read to myself, as I said, hearing any kind of "welfare people are..." may as well have been "you are...". I guess I just don't know what to do with all this self-blame. Should I feel dirty for thinking or fantasizing, throw out my business ideas because I have no place following them, forbid any self-improvement, live wretchedly like I "deserve"? That's what's going through mind.

Weird you too about responsibility for ones actions - the very concept tends to scare me since I equate it with self-centered blame and punishment. "Taking responsibility for your actions" means anything be that happens is 100% your fault and you're bad because of it. At the same time, all my usual excuses are terribly hollow regarding my recent realizations.

Also, you're the second person in the last couple days to call me mature. I don't feel mature at all; the more I interact with the world and think about things in general, the more I feel like a stupid, clueless child. A teenager at best.