I realize my tone comes off as strident and arrogant. That's not my intent, but I'll admit I was being bombastic by bringing up multiple partners. It was a comment made out of frustration and despair. I've read the past few responses, and I certainly understand how you all can see me as a morally bankrupt and disgusting person. Your comments give voice to very deep fears I have about myself. I can assure you that I've thought much worse things about myself than anything you can say about me. I can't continue to do that or I will be left with a single terrifying solution to my problems. I have a child to care for and I need to avoid suicidal feelings at all costs.

Over the years I've tried many things. I've tried to be content. I've told myself that adult love is supposed to feel like this. I've tried to focus on other ways to give my life purpose and meaning. I've tried to make myself fall in love with my wife; doing novel things together, initiating deep conversations, making plans together, focusing on her pleasure and fulfillment, trying to develop shared goals in life, being grateful for the good thing in my life. I've been in therapy. I've focused on my own self worth. I've tried creating emotional space for us to see each other as individuals in an attempt to help us view each other in a new light. I've done many, many things.

If questioning my marriage is wrong, then more than half of married people are wrong too. I got married because I bought into the notion that the normal rites of passage would bring me happiness. I felt, and still feel, deeply indebted to my wife for her affection and kindness. I have no shortage of guilt over my feelings and inability to love her the way I think I should.

When I turned to this forum, I was looking for someone who has been through this or something very similar so that I could learn from his or her mistakes or successes. If what I'm hearing is that my past mistakes invalidate my current feelings and make me a truly horrible person, then I suppose I don't have any choice but to live with it. But I'll say that loyalty no longer seems as honorable as everyone else seems to view it. I didn't feel like I was "settling" when I began this relationship at eighteen years old. I felt enormously grateful to have the opportunity to invest in a romantic relationship. I've simply changed over the last seventeen years and discovered my needs are different than what I'm likely to get from my marriage. I don't want to hurt anyone. I hate hurting people. That's why I have faithfully remained in this relationship for so long.

So maybe I am just a typical guy with a midlife crisis. I don't know. But I guess it's clear that my only redemption is to plod along for the next twenty or thirty years and give up hope of anything deeper or more meaningful.