Do you ever like suffering, pain, great difficulties?

It's my biggest problem that I look for it and don't mind it. I need some of it.

I can live without it for months after lots of suffering, but after some point I need it again. There needs to be a balance, but ideally also a constant change in severity and characteristics.

I know about the borderline personality type of these behaviours and "attitudes", but are there other types? Maybe less obvious.

If I don't have it for too long, I can't do anything, due to a toxic mix of delusional thinking and anxiety. I'm completely stuck, confined, restrained, mentally.

Oh, how I love the dynamics of it all. The puzzle. And the suffering. I would like to escape it though. It's getting a bit old.

Edit:
Ok, that it's getting old is of course making light of it. It holds me back, obviously.