when she is not drinking she is different - although sometimes not very ...dunno..aware? of what she says...

I cant stop taking her calls because if i dont she rings my brother who is dieing of congestive heart failure and cries on his shoulder and he gets stressed and I cant have that..

She has had a hard life with an abusive husband - she drank to be able to cope and is cutting down on her drinking - just when she has one or two now and then and calls it triggers me - somthing i should be good at dealing with but ... well lately im not

maybe cos i am off the anti depressents after 10 years after i was atacked - i told myself that was long enough - and anyway I need my wits about me as my boss doesnt like me and had tried to get rid of me on mental health grounds - lol funny seems its at work I got the PTSD in the first place.. oh well

today i got a bargain - a purse marked $25 when i scanned it was reduced to $2 and i needed a new purse mine is falling to bits - didnt think i could afford the $25 thats why I scanned it and yay! it said $2 so i got 2 lol

and now my phone has died on me ...my laptop died already and i cant afford to replace it - i come here on my break at work ...

I had been listening to hypnotherapy recordings online so i could sleep - i dont sleep much at the moment ....

now I dont have that.....

that was my safety belt ...

and now its gone ...

contact with my family in the UK
contack with some friends i made on facebook that have been friends for years now - just two ...gone...

all I have now is my break on the days I work when i can get to the computer...

feeling anxious and lost..a little..thats why you shouldnt rely on anything ....or anyone ...

the only person you should rely on is you - trouble is i lost trust in myself a long time ago... ten years to be exact - well almost 11 now...

and my cat is over the rainbow bridge.... and my damn fish doesnt talk to me at all lol

oh well...thats life i guess....

the light gets narrower and narrower before it finally goes out...