I've been so so up. So happy, so whatever. I don't have the desire to explain the positivity because now I resent it. There were moments of tumultuous turmoil Mixed in, but mostly I was winning.
This weekend something changed.
My thoughts became too big and too small. Intrusive thoughts of anxious violence, despair.
My therapist, yesterday says he has been worried for awhile. My boyfriend says he witnessed increased anxiety and knows I haven't been sleeping, but thinks things are fine; our routine is just "out of whack".
He's right. It is.
He is missing the part where I feel like I'm soaring and out of touch or drowning desperately in nothing.(in ****ing nothing! What an insult)
My coping is excellent and In moments like this I resent it. No one believes what they cant see. I'm certain I will never feel accepted and understood. I'm not sure if I'm just a giant baby. Maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills.
Maybe the flirting, the drinking, the daytime marathons of drinking and gyming, the nighttime a full of poetry and reading and midnight conversations filled with insight and exuberance, maybe the 6 grand I ran up on my credit cards last month and all of the times I couldn't catch my breath were once again, figments of my imagination. Maybe throwing up everything that I eat because i feel too much of it and swirling desperate thoughts of speed and suicide and visions and dreams of death death death are nothing.
I feel so lost.
It all feels pointless


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