I've been starting to feel very self-destructive the past couple of days. It's this angry, urgent feeling in my chest that I just need to do things to hurt or ruin myself. I've felt this way before, too, and it's just strange to me. I want to give up on anything positive I've been doing, like work or relationships or therapy. I want to hurt myself and take all the crazy drugs I can, just to ruin myself even more. And it feels like I need to do this RIGHT NOW, before I get a chance to think about it maybe? I don't know how to stop it, and in some ways it feels like I can't stop it, like it's a runaway train.

I remember feeling like this once before, during another long major depressive episode. I remember that I was borderline anorexic, restricting my eating and working out excessively. I was abusing drugs, even got to a point where I was using at work to keep myself high all day. I was self-harming, and took some of the more intense urgest to SH out on inanimate objects. At my job then I did a lot of unpacking of boxes, and there were times I would take a break and would just sit and stab pens into empty boxes, over and over. I remember listening to dysphoric music and feeling the waves of self-hatred and destruction just wash over me. I can't remember the end of it.

Has anyone felt like this before? I can't tell if it's a part of the depression or something else. Both now and the last time I remember this feeling I was severely depressed, but I was using drugs back then and am now again. Not the same drugs, but I still use socially. I have a history of drug abuse though, and I'm starting to wonder if maybe this is something related to that, not the depression at all? I don't know, and I haven't had a chance to talk with my therapist or anyone else about this. I just wonder if anyone else knows this feeling, or has any insight into where it comes from.