Well everyone last night I slipped and cut myself four times.....a few were pretty good ones. There was no rhyme or reason for it, no premeditation, no nothing....I simply went upstairs to get something, looked at the blade, and then slit. All of course in my upper thighs so they wouldn't be noticeable. I had done it a little last week, but nothing like last night.

I did go see my T today........I didn't realize how much I had missed him, which scared me even more. Last night I had almost decided against seeing him, but I thought that the walls were up well enough that he wouldn't get too far today.

It started out ok.....general stuff about my surgery and things. I thought that as long as I stayed calm, stayed unemotional, I would not think about things that he said...........wrong on that score.

There were a few times when I looked at him today that I really hated him - for knowing me, for understanding me. For being able to pinpoint things so exactly that I felt threatened.

I kept looking at my watch praying for the next patient to arrive so I could escape.......normally time goes by so quickly when we talk. Today was difficult because I had to keep all the walls up with him, I couldn't let him in - I can't allow myself to care that someone thinks I am worthwhile. As I told him, he is in a minority - there's just him.

There is a small part of me that believes I deserve better than what I have received in life from the people that I know - but thinking that and being proved wrong all of my life only means that I am consistently hurt. How tired I am of that.

I even went to a job interview before my appt. Nice, efficient, all together Mary Alice went and did all the right things - answered the questions right, smiled, and acted like the person on the resume was really me. I even heard the people talking about me before I went in there and how "she has all the management skills we want, and she knows how to handle problems and customers..........." Sure she does - but that isn't me.

I have a real need to put distance between my T and myself. This weekly appt thing is going to be very wearing on my nerves - I simply can not let him in and disrupt things that I have planned. That stupid part of me that is needy and keeps reaching out to him has to be controlled and stopped. I know that I won't call him for help. That I have pretty well under wraps.........but sitting in front of him and keeping those barricades up in front of the one person who I believe genuinely cares, is not easy.

He asked me if I was going to cut myself anymore tonight. He thinks I was feeling something yesterday that provoked me, but I told him that all I wanted was to see blood. That is true, I felt nothing before or afterwards. Tonight his words of why I am doing this are running through my mind and I don't like it.

I am confused, angry and more determined to keep him at bay simply because he scares me - his caring and concern for who I am. He is only one person and he won't be there forever for me - this is after all, his job.

Too much thinking, too much turmoil. I may cancel next week.

Mary Alice