Hello Etoileria: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about all of this. From my perspective, I think what you need to do is to establish a relationship with a therapist & / or a psychiatrist & let them diagnose you & help you figure out what's going on & what you can do about it. We here on PsychCentral can provide support but we cannot diagnose you.

I'm an older person. But I see a lot of myself in what you've written. My mental health struggles were always just ignored, or perhaps "overlooked" would be a better word, by my parents. Way back when I was young, any kind of mental instability at all was something to be avoided... left unacknowledged. I have said, in the past, that my parents would have better understood me going to prison than they would have understood me being involuntarily committed to a psych ward (which I have been.)

I've experienced a lot of the same kinds of thoughts & emotions you have. And I've also been a person who has been outwardly rational (most of the time) & able to do what needed to be done despite the hurricane that was raging inside. As a result I always feel trapped & suffocated as well.

I have written numerous times, here on PC, that I spent the vast majority of my life in deep denial with regard to what was going on with me. I was afraid & embarrassed & during much of that time mental health services were few & far between. The one benefit you do have is how much emphasis is now being placed on mental health & how much more open & knowledgeable society is with regard to mental health issues. I know you wrote that your parents are not supportive. That is most unfortunate. However, in whatever way you can & as soon as it is possible for you to do so, I hope you will do what needs to be done to heal. Please don't follow in my footsteps. They don't lead anywhere you want to go...