Hi friend,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. My friend, You are NOT alone in this.
Whenever I find that I have let myself slip back into a major depressive episode, it feels very similar to that. Like I am just watching my life spin out of control while sitting in the corner completely powerless and helpless, unable to do anything to stop it. I have been there several times over the years. But I am not there right now, so yes there is hope and a way out of this pit that seems neverending. There is a chance to turn things around, but you first have to give yourself that chance. Every severe major depressive episode I've ever had, I was only able to get out of it after going inpatient for a few days to a few weeks (depending on the hospital). That was always the protection I needed from myself, the safe zone I needed with people who genuinely understood what I was going through and knew how to help, and the launch pad I needed to start being able to do life again.
Have you ever been inpatient before? There are all sorts of stereotypes around it, but seriously, if you feel like you can't trust yourself right now, and know that something has to change, there is absolutely NO shame in getting the help you need. Don't listen to that voice telling you that it's not even worth trying to get help. It is worth it. Because you are worth it.

These feelings may or may not be coming from the drugs, but to me it sounds similar to a major depressive episode that comes from the awful monster of major depression. However, I can guarantee that the drugs aren't helping in any useful or productive way at all. They can definitely make this season of your life a lot worse, even if it feels like an escape. Because the crash coming down is always harder, and you are not helping yourself, you are just avoiding the problem, and avoiding recovering. Which shoots out your chances of overcoming this monster.

There is hope, my friend, and there is a way out. It's not going to be easy. But there is a way through this.
Good luck, hermano/a.
Please don't give up. You matter.