Hey Fuzzy: I wanted to tell you that I've canceled my PC membership. When it'll go into effect is unknown. I've appreciated many of your posts and gained insight into myself as well. It disgusts me that depression is treated as a 'bad day' and 'everyone has a bad' day. It disgusts me that every time I go the VA I have to repeat over and over and over again what is happening to me. My primary care says to eat better, exercise and get more sleep. She's a twit. My medical records clearly state that I have CHRONIC INSOMNIA so how can I sleep better? How can one eat better on a limited budget, living alone and unable, due to the depression to put together a 'healthy' meal. As far as exercise; well pooh pooh. I've never been a physical person since my teen years and I'm not overweight. How can I exercise when the body is racked with pain and the head is on fire. They think it's easy to change habits after 41years of being on my own. I struggle with chronic headaches that last for hours and are resistant to aspirin. She mentioned Topomax which is a prophylactic. What good is that when the headaches do not occur every day. Guess what her solution is: Eat better, exercise and get a better nights sleep. Maybe if I "think positive" that'll help.

My only remaining kin calls me "to just check up on me' and ends the convo after 15 minutes. No, how are you. When she sends me mail it's all religious in nature. I'm not looking for pity and my personality has never showed that. How about a little humanity? In all reality I wish she'd stop contacting me period. Her history with me has been disdainful. When I do say something private she goes off. Name calling, accusations and just plain critical fault finding. She thinks she is such a good Christian therefore she is a better person so I should listen to her.

I'm tired. I have lost interest in things I once enjoyed. From one minute to the next a thought enters and promptly leaves. I think of something I want to do and whoosh, it's gone. I start a book or essay and whoosh, I stop. For years I worked ON MY OWN to cull out the negative thoughts, taught myself forgives, recognized triggers and worked at changing. It seemed to have been working but, whoosh. It returns. Not only am I erasing the bad thoughts once they appear but erasing everything else. Then they reappear, then erased. On and on it goes.

I'm on SSDI and 59. What happens if I lose it? That terrifies me. No work in 5 years. Who wants a guy like me? Can I work around a bunch of vulgar ignorant peeps in a restaurant? Am I to get a customer service job listening to peeps squawking about their stupid cell phones or their 40k SUV's. Work outside in the blistering heat? There is no future.

I'm not sure if you said the following but I'll post it: "sometimes when you are depressed for a long time you become fearful of not being depressed i think... because all you know is the depression and its scary to think about what we would be without it".

I wish everyone in this forum well. Many folks here have convinced me that we may be on our own. Your struggles are real because it's mine as well. I can't offer anymore suggestions. I just don't have any.

Take care Fuzzy and keep on growling.