Based on the feedback I've gotten here, and some thinking I've done on the subject, it now seems clear that marriage counseling is the best next step forward.

Your assessment is mostly right. We are pleasant to each other, good partners, friends, and the sex is acceptable. I wish the friendship part were better and closer. I wish I didn't constantly have monitor her mood and be responsible for her fun and enjoyment in every situation. I wish she were more resilient and excited about novel situations. I wish I could be myself more freely. I do often feel like I'm walking on eggshells. My wife is a difficult person to please, and she never expresses joy or even despair. She's unmoving. The sex is good, simply because it's the only way I know how to really make her happy. It's the only time I feel like I truly satisfy her, and it's evident in her reactions and attitude. It's the only time I get an overwhelming positive reaction from her. Even though she enjoys it and it makes me feel good to please her, it's sad that this is the only way I can make her excited and enthusiastic.

I didn't come to this forum to simply throw away my marriage. I came because I needed help and advice. I need to try something different, because what I'm doing isn't working.

You're also right that I feel nagging regrets about never experiencing a strong romantic love. Maybe it's just not in the cards for someone like me. All the feedback I've received seems to indicate that it's overrated. Maybe you could understand that I've been feeling like I've missed out on a very wonderful part of life, and it's just difficult for me to accept that I will never experience it. I'm not religious. I don't think there are second chances or joys after death. I see this life as my only opportunity to be self aware. So knowing that I will never know one of life's greatest joys nags at me tremendously. Maybe I'll get over it, but I haven't let it go in the last 17 years.

BTW - I read your other comments and your post regarding the problems in your marriage. I think the people who stick rigidly to the belief that marriage is something to be suffered at all costs are wrong. Nobody should be shaming you for coming here and honestly expressing your feelings. I can't tell you what to do, but if you haven't already taken your own advice about counseling, then maybe that's something you could pursue with your husband. If everyone is radically honest it will help move toward clarity on what actions to take. Sometimes it's not better to stay in a marriage. That's just a fact of life. People who deny that are just refusing to change their perceptions of reality because it makes things in life less certain.

I've felt horribly guilty for my doubts for many years. I've tried to be loyal and honorable. I've tried to live up to everyone's expectations. I can't go on feeling so terrible ashamed to be myself. Maybe it's immoral, but it's destroying me inside. So, I've made a conscious decision to stop feeling guilty.

You can PM me if you don't want to discuss all of this in this thread.