Quote:
Originally Posted by Shawkat2009
I'm getting married for the second time. 10 days from today. I've done the divorce thing but my reason for leaving was abuse. I'm going to point some important things in a marriage.
Mutual respect
Friendship
Love not necessarily in love as that comes and goes. That's the passion/compassion. But there should be an underlying love for each other
Common interests
Interests outside of the marriage. Not everything needs to be done together.
Good sex if that's even important to you. In most cases it is.
Ability to communicate without major blow outs. Satisfying conclusion to a fight or talk.
Anything else is icing
One and only reason to not seek counselling ABUSE. Mental, physical, emotional, financial or sexual. Those occur it's time to get out.
You give the tone of "I have the 98/99 model it's time to trade up to the 2018 model" will you actually accomplish that? Or will you be giving up on something that isn't permanently broken?
Red flags for me, I read narcissism but then insecure. Have you been dx'd bipolar or borderline? I also read that your wife may be cold and hard to please on the day to day. That could be problematic. That's where I strongly believe whether she is hesitant or not counselling is your next best option.
Don't be like the rest of your generation and the generations that are following. You are not entitled to anything. Think you will get a better wife well maybe you will likely you won't and will regret leaving the one you have. My siblings are your age, both in long term relationships but not married. I'm 10 years older. Have some experience.
Ultimately what you do with and within your marriage is your choice. I do hope things work out for you. No one likes to see marriage fail and some of the posters to this thread are of the belief that the younger generations believe their lives are disposable. They can get the bigger better version. Nothing gets fixed anymore. Yes 17 years is a long time, yes you were young when you got married but nothing screams not fixable in anything you've said.
Good luck
|
Thanks for your advice. I will consider it very carefully.
I understand why you would read narcissism. Maybe I am a narcissist. I also understand the eye rolling about a stereotypical man who just seems he wants to find some new and possibly objectively more attractive lover. People seem very quick to assume that I fit that mold. I just want to make it clear, I never said I was looking for a more attractive woman than my wife. (People have made this assumption in prior comments.) It's not as though I've suddenly become much more attractive and I'm trying to "trade up". What's happened is that I have finally found ways to stop hating myself and gained the courage to be honest with myself about what I really want. At the moment, I'm confused about what I want. That's what you're reading as narcissism. What you're reading as insecurity is that same realism applied to my attempt at a balanced view of myself. So when I say negative things, it's just me acknowledging the complexity and ambiguity in myself. None of us are totally good or bad. We all are deeply flawed. I will admit my flaws. I wish I could be a more devoted husband and force myself to be satisfied, but I have never been satisfied and I've become increasingly dissatisfied over the course of the last 17 years.
Also, I'm not sure what you're reading as entitlement? Am I not entitled to question things and explore my feelings? Am I not entitled to regret my past mistakes? Am I not entitled to try to find my way in life? Is my wife entitled to my infinite loyalty and affection? Is she entitled to my complete devotion? I'm a human being, and whether you see it as entitlement or not, I'm nobody's prisoner. I have a responsibility to my daughter that I will not break no matter what happens, and I will always consider my wife's feelings. That might not ultimately make either of us happy or prevent me from negotiating an end to the relationship, but it will always be a major factor. I loath being cruel, especially to my wife whom I respect deeply. This might not be obvious because I'm admitting feelings that seem like disrespect, but wanting one thing for myself doesn't mean I don't also wish joy and happiness for my wife. I truly do wish those things for her.
I'm not bipolar. I have suffered from depression for many, many years, but I'm finding my way into the light and despite my problems, I have more good days than bad now. I've decided conclusively that I don't want to die, that I'm not subhuman, and that I do have value as a person. For the first time in my life, I sort of don't care how other people see me. I know I'm different and that many people can't identify with me (including my wife) but I don't hate myself for it anymore and I won't hide myself from everyone.
There's a lot I need to discuss in counseling with my wife. It seems clear that therapy is the next option. So you and I agree. I'm just uncertain if therapy can help me be okay with a lifetime of companionate love. I think there will always be regret. We'll see. I guess.