I had my demo lesson today. It did not go well. I mean, the lesson went well. I did a good job. But afterward I received a lot of negative feedback. One was I was too intense and spoke too fast. That's because I was nervous. But the main one was that I didn't engage the students enough I should have put them in pairs or groups instead of explaining the whole lesson to them. And I knew that but didn't think about it because in my school I can't do pairs or groups. The kids can't get along with each other long enough to do it. I'm just so used to disengaged, angry kids that I couldn't perform well for "normal" students.

I'm so disappointed. I really wanted this job. I don't want to do substituting in the fall. I want to have a regular place to go every day. I know driving to a different school every day and trying to find my way around new schools will be anxiety provoking. I'm not sure I could do it. But I can't stay on at my job. It's so bad for my mental health. I just can't do it. Just thinking about a whole year there makes me sick.

I guess I'm just not that good of a teacher. Although I don't think it's my fault. I think I can't do all the "normal" teacher stuff because of the type of kids I work with. I'm a good teacher for my students, just not the general population.

I'm writing here to try to get it out of my head. I've been obsessing for two hours. I mean completely and totally obsessing. I can't stop thinking about how bad I did. I'm trying to be positive and tell myself that it was a good opportunity and now I know how to do better for next time, but this was the only call back I received. I've put in like twelve applications and gotten nothing.

I feel like such a failure. And they didn't actually tell me I didn't get the job, I just can't see how they would pick me over the other people. I'm just gonna be waiting for my rejection letter.

How do you stop yourself from obsessing over the negative? Like I know there's nothing I can do now and I did my best and all that. I just don't want this to trigger depression.