Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
Even if you choose to leave your wife it doesn't guarantee that you still will ever know what you perceive to be one of life's greatest joys, that passionate love you are questing after.
How do you know that YOU are even capable of having a relationship where strong romantic love exists? Maybe you have as much difficulty connecting emotionally as you think your wife does. Just because we WISH for something doesn't mean that it's even possible or that we ourselves are capable of attaining it even though our ego tells us we can.
sounds like she is not having a problem & thus doesn't find the need to discuss. Since you seem to be the one having the problem it would make sense that she wouldn't be the one to initiate a conversation about the relationship.
it would be interesting to hear your wife's point of view but then I'm sure if you have been open with her about this as you have your other dissatisfaction with the marriage, you know her thoughts on these things & her point of view about you. You say you have a high intensity about your life...are you judging your wife for her not being equal to your own intensity? Maybe she is as excited about things but just keeps her feelings inside. Monitoring her mood & making her happy is YOUR opinion about her mood. Just because she doesn't express joy or despair in the way you expect her to doesn't mean she doesn't FEEL OR EXPERIENCE it in HER OWN WAY. It does sound like marriage counseling is important but in reality it doesn't sound like you may REALLY know your wife for who she really is but rather for the lack of her meeting what you expect she should be like.
Many times relationships start out with what is thought to be strong romantic passionate love but in reality it's only LUST & that ends up meaningless when it dies out once you get to know the person. It can turns into a deep loving relationship for that person (which in reality if there is a strong love there, the sex with that passion SHOULD continue) or it might just go away if there is nothing but the lust in the connection & that is meaningless.
Just because you spent that many years together doesn't mean you tried to make it work even with the list of things you tried. Those things were your concept of what might work. Therapy is a good place to start. Finding a good T is as elusive as finding REAL passionate love that isn't just lust. I wasted 13 years with T's who in reality never got to the real depth of the problem which was like an ice berg. They never went below the surface. I had no idea until I finally found Therapy that did.
To be honest, when I left my H after all those years, I never looked back wondering about leaving & I never regretted leaving for a moment. I never thought of him after I left. Only wonder I had was what financial irresponsibility he would pull next. For the first time in my life I felt PEACE. I have been alone for 9 years & love it. No desire to ever get involved again unless a really wonderful & responsible man should come into my life with my same values & beliefs. I didn't leave on the quest for passion but I did leave on my quest for regaining my sanity & find peace in my life.. I regret that I got married to him in the first place & that I stayed as long as I did to end up financially trapped there until I could escape.
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I don't know for sure that I'm capable of a deeper connection. I strongly suspect I am, but you're right. I don't know anything for sure. I don't know whether I'd even find it if I were capable of it. But I'll say this; I have connected deeply with others over the years, but never let those connections go beyond platonic relationships. I know for sure that some of them could have gone much further. It's a fine line that I probably should never have approached, but I have. I want that same connection with my wife, but I can't make it happen. I can't get myself to feel that way, or draw her out to meet me.
My wife and I have discussed all of the things you've mentioned. She says she doesn't feel things as strongly as I do. She knows I'm intense. I know she's not. I don't blame her for the way she is. I don't resent her for it. There's nothing wrong with her as a person. We're just incredibly different.
Maybe I am guilty of expecting too much. I do want my wife to be different. I want her to challenge me and excite me. I also want her approval. As much as I can try to value myself, I'd like to feel like she sees me as someone special. I'd like to feel wanted for who I am. I'd like to feel desirable. Sometimes I feel like she wants the life that having a husband and family represent more than she wants me as an individual. I want her to get my jokes. I want her to make me laugh in return. I want to learn things from her and have her force me to think about things from interesting angles. I'm so sick of trivial conversations. I want her to be enthusiastic and open-minded.
There's more, but it wouldn't be appropriate to discuss openly.
So, yes, for the fourth or fifth time, I think seeking counseling is a good idea. I'm already in therapy on my own.
What if there's just something wrong with me? What if I can't be happy or at least reasonably content? All of this stuff just makes it really tempting to start thinking of myself as a malformed person again, like I don't belong with the rest of humanity. Those are dark thoughts. I've been there. It's not productive. I don't want to wallow in self pity or allow suicidal thoughts to creep in. I don't know. But for the sake of argument, let's say all of this stuff is just me. I'm being unfair. I'm not reasonable. I expect too much. I'm too needy. I'm selfish. I'm a narcissist. Does that change anything? If it's all me, then I guess I'd rather not live than struggle the rest of my life to fundamentally change who I am.