((((((((Psychnitrous)))))))))

I'm so sorry you have these feelings too. I have felt very strongly like that, especially about SI.

For me the only route out, apart from indulging the impulse/urge is to phone a helpline and stay on the phone until I feel more in control, however long it takes.

I hope and pray you stay as safe as you can.
I look forward to seeing your posts here. I believe you're worth it, however you feel.