Basically, it's been a couple of years now that I've had PTSD, and I haven't really gotten better (not that you ever "get better" but improved I mean), even with counseling, reading books on the subject, meditating, journaling and talking to people. I've gotten better at functional stuff like working and school, or trying to eat/sleep/rest, etc. but not emotionally. Part of it is how right before my assault happened, I made a plan to go to a specific school where I could start studying for the career I wanted (anti-violence work), but that feels like it's been taken from me because I can't handle it emotionally and get triggered every time I try to work on stuff. I'm so angry I have to let go of something that I felt was calling me and would help others. Obviously if I'm not ok then I can't really contribute. I get told all kinds of things, by everyone from friends to therapists I've had who are trying to help, like "visualize what it would look like for you to be happy and successful again" or "fake it till you make it." Their point was that you'll be what you set your mind to, and as long as you believe in your recovery, you can help it materialize. But see, I can't visualize it or believe because I have no idea what I'm looking for/at. Some have even tried to get me to look for spirituality (which I am not interested in at all).

There were things I thought I worked through (having been in therapy the better part of 2 years), but much of it came back later unresolved to bite me in the ***. I literally cannot remember what it's like to feel happy, safe and not angry at the world/the person/myself, have normal relationships, and most importantly have any shred of hope or faith that the work I do on myself will have any effect and get me to where I want to be. Think of it like trying to imagine a color no one has ever seen before. Nothing I've done (and I've done a lot) has worked, I'm even in therapy now. I wondered how other people with trauma have dealt with feeling lost, hopeless or blind towards their future?