Quote:
Originally Posted by brillskep
Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time with your therapy. I have been reading your posts over time and i think you have gained a lot from your therapy overall, but pain is part of any therapy / relationship / life. You are not alone in this though.
I think your therapist is right that there is always an ending. Not just to therapy but to any relationship. I think a lot of us want lifelong loving relationships, but even those end, though we may not want to consider that. It does hurt but maybe the two of you will be able to work through this together. In the end, I think everyone that we care about is irreplaceable, and the goal of therapy may not be so much to replace your therapist as it is to enrich your own life, so that when this precious relationship ends, you will have gained other precious relationships and experiences that will make the loss hurt less when you look at the bigger picture of your life. At least this is how I view it.
Of course it hurts to know it's your therapist's job when you care about her on a deep, personal level. I think the unique aspect of therapeutic relationships is that they can (and should) be both - both the therapist's job and the therapist's genuine care. I find that difficult to reconcile as a client, too.
|
Brillskep, your reply is beautiful. Thank you very much. It's hard for me to face endings, which makes me wonder if I'm coping as well as I think I'm doing, to the loss of my H.
I put all my feelings about loss into the the relationship with my T instead.
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
Sorry you are hurting. You still have time to work with her. The reality is that no matter how good therapists are, they aren't our lovers or family or close friends. I think good therapists recognize that the goal is not get patients severely attached unable to function, but rather be ok functioning in the world without them. Your t sounds like a good one. And if the goal is for you to function independently one day or find other circles of people, it is something to focus on right now. Something to work on
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
|
Thanks. Yes, it's the hardest thing in the world for me to work on. T keeps asking if my parents left me when I was young. They didn't. I don't know why I want my T so much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive.
It's hard to think of separation or possibility of endings but rainbow the time has not come yet. Please don't fly off to this time in the distant(?) future. She is not gone yet and has further reassured you it is not for now. But the reality is, we are not eternal... And unfortunately, separation - in one form or another - is inevitable.
I don't mean to minimize what you're feeling but stay within the present. We never know what the future holds: of course you might resolve the attachment issues; you yourself might be more secure or independent, so much so that you wouldn't necessarily need her as much... new and stronger connections (whether platonic or romantic) in 'real' life might serve to fulfill some of your needs so that you won't feel the separation as such an agonizing loss.
It does not mean replacing her or other people becoming more important. I think she will always have a special place in your heart. And from what you write, i think you also hold a place in her heart... She might not want to work forever but hey, it doesn't mean she will wash her hands off you completely. You might forge a different relationship with her, so that she might still be in your life in some form (though no longer as your T).
Bottom line, don't give up hope. The story (of you and T) is not over. She's not giving up on you yet!
|
Thanks for helping me see the positive, Rive. I know you're right but it's hard for me to see it. I feel depressed and also not up to par physically which doesn't help. I need more sleep. It's hard to hear my T talking about "my getting along without her". I want to forget she said those words!
Quote:
Originally Posted by doogie
I've had 3 Ts - 3 different types of Ts. The first created a situation where I was dependent on her. Emails, phone calls, lots and lots of support. At the time, I was in heaven. I thought that I had found the perfect T who cared about me and loved me and would be there for me. And then she found a new job and closed her practice and left. And while she HAD been supporting me wonderfully during our time together, not once did she help me learn how to help myself during hard times or how to reach out to anyone in my 'real' life for help. My second T taught me why Ts have boundaries around certain things (like outside contact). Of course, I could call her if I needed her - but no texting, no email replies from her. I was frustrated in the beginning and I hated her for her boundaries. I felt they were cold and uncaring. But what I learned was that in the absence of reaching out to T all the time (because I had no choice of contacting T except emergency) I HAD to learn to soothe myself and learn to reach out to those around me. It WAS NOT EASY. But I did it. That T became suddenly ill and had to close her practice with little notice. Though my heart was broken, I was much better equipped to deal with that loss. My current T is a good balance of both of my former Ts. Allows check-in texts when needed, has reasonable boundaries around other types of contact. Has said she cares too much about me to let me become too dependent on her. I've learned by experience that relying on a T is like a crutch to get through a difficult time until I can get back up on my own. If you break your leg, you need a crutch to help you get around, but once your leg heals - even though you might still need rehab for a while - you don't still need to rely on the crutch as much. Good luck Rainbow. It's hard. So. very. hard. I wish you the best of luck and warm hugs and thoughts. Just some things to think about.
|
Thanks doogie. I've had T's with stricter boundaries too. Nothing seems to work for me. Before email. I used to call my Ts back then. I seem to have always needed extra contact, which is strange because I never thought I could ever talk to a T. I think my feelings were bottled up inside me for so many years that when I finally discovered therapy, I couldn't get enough of it! I don't really think of it as crutches. I think I deceived myself into believing it's a real relationship in spite of the money. Pathetic I know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellahmae
Awhile ago my T started shifting towards more me being more reassuring to myself instead of reaching out to her to reassure me. This didn't go well. I told her that I'm not ready for that yet. We talked about it and we decided that when I feel ready I'll have a choice in the transition instead of her doing it. We'll move toward dependence together at the time when I feel ready and comfortable.
|
I hope my T will do it that way too. It worked for holding hands. I rarely need it now, but I do need emailing! Thanks, Ellahmae.
Quote:
Originally Posted by monalisasmile
Rainbow 
I can really hear the hurt and distress in your post. It sounds like it's coming from a very young place. Can you hear what a lot of people here said, they are saying that you can feel your feelings but don't have to act on them. From reading your posts here for a long time, it appears you feel all of these emotions, get overwhelmed and act on them very quickly. Can you sit with them for a while chew in them and let them digest?
Your t was being real and sometimes reality hurts. Nobody can say what will happen in the future but right now she is here for you! I think your t is trying to prepare you for the inevitable- when she isn't there. How would it be to support yourself right now, by being kind and giving yourself what you need to soothe these horrible feelings?
There is support here, perhaps venting to is instead of your t might help?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
You're right, mona, about how I react very quickly. Maybe I could have waited and not written T so soon Tuesday. I react that way to perceived rejection. T also says it's coming from a young place. She didn't answer me yet but I didn't expect her to. I wanted her to know I was hurting. We don't know why I can't handle the reality, what happened in my past. I wish I knew. I think it's maybe that I never learned to be independent. I was too attached to my Mom. It seems Ts don't accept that reasoning.
Last week I posted every day on this forum but I still had to email T. I don't know what to do, but it does help and I am grateful be for this forum and everyone who replied.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick
I had felt kind of the same way you do rainbow. My T meant everything to me (still does) and I had this unhealthy thought that I would always be in therapy with her no matter what. It was very sudden and out of the blue when she told me she got a new job and was closing her practice. I fell apart when she told me. You still have lots of time left. I had two months to get used to the fact that she was leaving and that might seem like a long time but it really wasn't. Make use of your time. Cherish every session. Work on the most important things and really enjoy having her as a T. Some day it will end but the more you enjoy now and the more you can learn to be more independent and not need her, the end will be better for you. I didn't have time to get more independent and not need her. I went from having her support to nothing overnight and its been hard to adjust to say the least. I had a fantastic T who changed my life and I don't regret becoming close to her. Her love and our relationship has been so healing and its in my heart forever. We still keep in touch and I am so grateful for that. I hope you can have the same. No one is suggesting you replace her and you can't replace people. You just have to learn a new way of having her in your life. Don't panic right now. Worrying about something you can't change means you don't enjoy the present moments. She is still your T and you have her support. That should make you happy and hopeful. You are lucky to have her. I hope you can enjoy your time with her and all the present moments. I really wish I was given more time with mine.
|
Cinnamon, I admire you! You made the best ofa bad situation. You have a very caring T, too. I'm glad you're going to stay in touch with her. Yes. I do have to enjoy what I have now. Thanks for reminding me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Waterbear
Thanks cinnamon, needed to hear that today, all of it. Hope the feelings settle rainbow so you can truly appreciate the time you will continue to spend together.
|
Thank you, Waterbear.