hey. he did sound apologetic about cancelling so late. and he sounded kinda flustered. i guess something did happen. i guess it did. i'm not sure that he would tell me what it was. in a way i guess it doesn't matter what it was. in a way i guess i'd rather not know. i guess either his kid/s or his wife or both got sick or something like that. or whatever. i know he doesn't do things like this lightly... one time he even borrowed a car so he could meet me to say 'sorry i have to cancel' because he didn't have a phone number for me. that is going out of his way kind of. i know this. perfectly reasonable. perfectly understandable.

but little kid feelings and i don't know if i can do this. it just hurts too much. for no good reason. i don't want it to hurt. i don't want him to feel close to me 'cause he can't be there for me the way i need him to be and so it hurts too much. and then he will be back next week (two sessions or one i can't even remember where we are at with that) and then he is having two weeks off. i think i might just take next week for myself and then he can have two. reassess things... time to put the little feelings away and numb myself.

i wonder if he thinks optimal frustration includes intentional efforts to frustrate? doesn't matter... this isn't optimal. retraumatisation isn't optimal.

:-(