My mother keeps telling me "not to go down the rabbit hole."* That's her metaphor for depression.* Don't go down the rabbit hole, meaning don't get depressed about things or don't let things get you down. What she doesn't know is that I've been living at the bottom of a very deep rabbit hole for years now.* This time she was referring to the investigation at work and to not let it get me down.* I jokingly asked if it was "Eat me" or "drink me" to get out of the hole and my father says "bite me."* He made a funny (very out of character)...out of frustration with this work shite.

My new T asked me what I wanted to change and I said I wanted control of my emotions and to not be on the rollercoaster.* Then she asked me what the highs were like and I said, "not much better than the lows."* I think I need to explain it better.*

The whole rollercoaster, even the highest points, are inside the rabbit hole.* My baseline is depressed as ****.* The "lows" are gut wrenching, suicidal episodes of utter hopelessness and despair, where I'm at the bottom of the hole sticking my neck out, waiting for the Queen of Hearts.* So the "highs" are kind of numb, or a kind of muted depression.* There is no joy.* There is no happiness or hopefulness.* Just nothing.* Blah.*

After days of crying and feeling guilty about Jethro (my dog), this is where I find myself the majority of the time - numb.* Every now and then an emotion creeps in there, but overall...blah.* I think I kind of hit my limit and flipped a switch in my brain, night night.* I don't want to feel anymore so I fight it.**I have to work at it to keep that switch in the off position.**I'm not sure what's more exhausting, feeling my emotions, or fighting them. Either way, I kind of want to flip everyone off and say, "bite me."


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