Tell them the hospital thing is more harmful than helpful... That you've thought about it carefully and you believe it will harm you more long term to go that route. Idk if you're seeing a therapist? "Continuity of care" can be a good thing, I've had some of my worst experiences with "unknown" doctors who "ambushed" me and then said some incredibly stupid and harmful things. Do these people know their words stick. Do they even care

So I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to talk to some unknown person. Only last year I was ambushed, again, by an unknown incompetent doctor. If I'd kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't have yet more layers of pain from these "people"

Thinking of you and wishing those who are there to help you wisdom and compassion...