Dear Mary Alice:

I can understand your hesitation and desire to keep the walls up, after all, as you stated, everyone you have trusted before has hurt you. For me, I think that is one of the triggers. I want to hurt myself before anyone else hurts me again.

It took me a long time to get out of denial and to reach out. After all, I thought (and truly believed at the time) that I had the perfect life. That I deserved to suffer because I had too much good.

Let me share with you probably some of the most valuable advice I have heard since I began seeing my T 6 1/2 years ago. "Recovery goes so much better when symptoms are out of the way"; "You can never have too much if you are grateful"; While these may not be pertinent to you, I thought I'd at least share them because I wish people had told me this years ago even though it seems so obvious now.

I am glad your T can see right through you because all I want for myself is for somebody to know the true me (this tells me it is possible)...not the person I had pretended to be for so long....

If your T is "pushing" you a little too hard or covering too much ground too fast, it is OK to ask him to slow down or take "baby steps". For a while, my T and I didn't talk about "deep" issues because she knew at that point I couldn't handle it. On the other hand, some day she pushes me and I almost welcome it because without her prodding I wouldn't be able to reveal the issues on my own, voluntarily.

I personally believe the more that I want to pull away from my therapist, it is because I am on the "verge" of some major revelation and I am just overcome with fear. She keeps telling me it is in the past and can not hurt me any longer. Personally, I don't quite agree since memories can still hurt, but I have learned new tools, have new support systems, and have changed myself (despite my efforts at trying to change others which of course almost invariably fails).

I just want you to know that I can also believe there was no reason for your cutting, you felt nothing before or after. Often times the same thing happened to me. For a long time I tried deciding if it was a depressive thing or an obsessive compulsive thing...then I figured out it didn't really matter. It still wasn't helping me recover. I am doing much better now.

Please do not cancel your appointment with your T. I also think it is important to have a job where you can be you and where you enjoy what you do and the people you work with. Please keep me posted...You'll be in my thoughts...

Donna