I have always had (over 20 years) a deep longing to be physically comforted by a mother figure who was also willing to listen to me and hear my story, to know me and to there to guide me and support me. I have over the years tried to find other sources but with no success. I have my H but that leads to the whole other thing that I don't want to talk about.... I have tried comforting myself and using blankets, soft toys, holding my own hand etc. I have tried bringing other people into my life but no one else has the patience needed (this will take years I think) to get that close.

I wrote my T a letter specifically asking for what I felt I needed and part of that included touch when the time was right. For her to hold my hand and put her arm around me, to hold me while i cry etc. A lot of it is to do with my feelings of self worth. Inside I believe I am untouchable and that the only reason someone would want to touch me would be to hurt me or because it is the social norm (ie a brief hug from family when saying goodbye - there is nothing else there if that makes sense).

It is something I explicitly asked the New Ts when I met for the first time because to get down the line, to build trust and then to ask and be rejected would feed into those negative thoughts. New T has said she does see a place for touch in the therapeutic environment, as did a few of the others I saw so it is not uncommon, just not 'normal' for want of a better word I think. The responses varied hugely from 'it will not help you' to 'yes I use it when appropriate' with everything in between.

Of course there are risks, there are risks involved with everything in life but dies that mean we don't live? No, it means we carry out dynamic risk assesments each and every day and take steps to protect ourselves to the best of our ability while still achieving what we want to achieve. Each of us have different levels of tolerances for different things. I wanted to skydive once so I was willing to accept the risk that I might die. Someone else who does not want to do it as badly may not be willing to take that risk.

It is personal, for us and for Ts. I fully understand if a T is not comfortable with it but it feels necessary for me which is why I chose a T who was. There will be a lot of thinking for you to do but maybe go with your gut on this one as it can be quite a primal thing and we can't reason away things that are that deep.

For me, in a perfect world I would see touch being 'withdrawn' as quite a natural event because my issues surrounding it had reduced. If I had got to a point where safe touch felt 'normal' then I would not need it so much. Makes sense to me anyway. Obviously if a T withdrew without discussion it would be harmful but if they withdrew because they were not comfortable and had that discussion with me then I think it would be OK. You have to respect the other person too.