I am sorry you are in so much pain and struggling with suicidal thoughts. I get those thoughts myself. Are you seeing a therapist? You could try to make a list of coping strategies and see if they work to distract yourself from these thoughts. You could also make a list of reasons to live and really think about them. It also helps to be mindful of your thoughts and just feel them. Recognize that you have them and not judge them. I think you can be happy again you just need to find ways to be happy. Its not easy to do any of this when you are having suicidal thoughts, I know. The best thing is to not let them consume you. Stay connected to people so you feel less alone. I wish you the best and I hope the thoughts get better and you can start healing. You deserve healing and to have a good, happy life.