I completely relate! For me, it's what's left. What resurfaces (or maybe just seems to resurface) when I'm (BP) stable. But, I can't tell which is the underlying syndrome. I can't be sure really.

There is something underlyingly that one might call BP or something less differentiated, like a BP/SZ subdrome.

My personality developed before my BP, so I wonder whether this underdeveloped, undifferentiated, somewhat non-/immaterial subdrome (and its endophenotype), wasn't shaped by my personality, and to what extent.

It's borderline schizophrenia, but it's more expressive and emotional, like BP. Couldn't it be an escape, into BP? The best it can do is let you be BP-I in most cases, but if your subdrome is milder, maybe BP-II or no BP worth speaking of (arguably, but at least milder still).

Expression is good. Any expression. That's so extremely paradoxical and viciously circular that no-one understands.

No appropriate expression is possible. Just a defensive offensive and substituting the actual reasons (or "irrationality") by validating/justifying reasons for failure and expression of pain, to make the intangible tangible.

It's like a mixed state, but with more rationalised expression and reaction as intermediates. Mixed states are reactive too, just differently, less rationally, less complex, less visible, less tangible.

I hope it can be approached as one puzzle. But maybe it's (indeed) more like a simultaneous exhibition game. We might be the grandmasters of BP or SZ (or dysreductia, the subdrome).