Debbie-

Those thoughts and ideations are super difficult to reconcile, in my opinion. I don't have answers, but this forum is a great place to visit and post thoughts and issues.

My T suggested that I try writing self-compassionate letters by thinking of what I would say to someone I care about if he or she came to me with a problem.

One of my letters addresses my own daily thoughts of "controlling my own destiny." I am always afraid to tell my T directly that I am making these plans, even though they are for a time a little ways off, because I'm afraid she'll want me to go to the hospital, or she will just shut me down because of the topic.

Anyway, the self-compassionate letter doesn't, on its own, solve the problem, but it is helping me see the other side of the equation. Maybe if we can accept and appreciate the feelings, we can let ourselves have time and space to think, and then move on from them for a bit.

I commend you for your bravery in posting this, and I hope you will find a way to keep moving forward on a path to finding some happiness for yourself!

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