Responses from this forum have been interesting. They've given me a list of questions to bring to my therapist.

- Is there something permanently broken in me that makes it impossible for me to love or receive love?

- Why do I believe I will never love my wife the way I wish I could? I just can't make myself feel that deep feeling of romantic love. I love her as a friend and companion, but I can't go beyond that.

- Why do I so desperately want to feel something more? Why aren't I content? Why does it seem like others are much happier and more in love than I have ever been with my wife? Is that just perception or is it real?

- Should I simply give up and be alone, so I'd at least have freedom and my wife could find someone who deserves her? Maybe I'm not really a person who should be in a relationship? What's the point of even trying?

A woman once told me she thought I was capable of loving more deeply than other people, yet multiple people in this forum have suggested I might not be able to love or connect at all. That's interesting. Family members have told me they thought I was the most empathetic person they've ever known. Yet people here have suggested the opposite. Now I'm questioning my perception of myself. Maybe there's something deeply wrong with me. I just want to fall in love. I want to know what it's like to have a fully reciprocated romantic love, not simply companionship and occasional sex. Maybe I'm just being childish. That's what I told myself when I got married. I told myself that adult love is boring. I told myself I'd grow up and learn to accept it. I told myself I could focus on other passions and give my life meaning in other ways. The fact that my doubts and desires have only continued to get worse might mean that there's something wrong with me that can't be fixed.

It's difficult to accept that I'm the only problem. But maybe I'm the cancer. I've poisoned everything. Maybe I'm ungrateful. Maybe I'm a horrible person. Maybe I simply can't conform to the normal standards for love and relationships. I think I've had a pretty good run. I've made a good attempt. At least I've been faithful for seventeen years! That's not bad. I really have struggled against myself for so long. I'm tired. I can't maintain this cycle of denying who I am. If I'm fundamentally flawed, then so be it. I can't keep hiding it and pushing it down. If being honest about myself makes people hate me, that sucks, but I can't hold it in forever. I'm just too tired.