People keep telling me I am weird. Some people say it directly (rude), others tell me I'm weird in a good way or not weird, just different and very unique. But most tell me they like that a lot from me. And I admit, all my life I have tried to understand people, the rules and the reason of these rules. And the more I learn, the more I'm conviced that I have a very different way of thinking .I don't always understand jokes and I always take sentences the wrong way. My best friend even tells me: "No, that's not what he meant. In fact, I think only you understood that from what he said." But he admires my different perspective. But I depend a lot on him to explain to me situations or people's intentions in certain ocassions.
In my childhood I was a very obssesive kid. Any tv program, book, comic or movie I enjoyed,I would need figures and books about the topic. I would learn all the names of the characters, locations, tracks of the soundtrack, the number and name of each episode. For example, I know all the numbers and names of 721 Pokemon. I know where all the missiles and energy tanks from most Metroid games are hidden at. I like to remember quotes or cutscenes and say the lines out loud. Sometimes I do this unconsciously. If I like a song, a movie or a video, I will watch it again and again. People hear a song only once even if they really enjoyed it. I can't do that. Also, I always carry something with me. As a kid it would always be a toy, and now it depends of what I'm obssesed with. I carry a different keychain for every obssesion, if it's Zelda, I need a Hylian Shield keychain with me at all time. If I don't have this object with me, I feel strange, unhappy.
I remember I had problems with Church when I was young. I became a member of a church, but I was very obssessed with the rules. I wouldn't watch any movie with violence, I would always consider my actions and what Jesus would do. But if I was in the toilet, thoughts of god started appearing in my head and I wasn't able to control them, so I would punch myself in the head as a punishment if I thought of anything innapropriate. If I was praying I thought of sexual organs while praying and I knew that was bad so I would restart the pray. I was very unhappy in this part of my life so I left the community.
I don't like to be touched, my mother was never able to cuddle or hug me without me making a resistance. When on the truck, I would punch or hit my brothers if they touched me, even if there was few space.
I keep a control over my life through notebooks and that's how manage to stay calm. I have one for each category I consider part of my daily life. For example, I have a notebook for work, another for videogames and to keep a record of what I've played and when. Another for ideas, one for reminders, and one which I can write whatever I please. If I forget or lose a notebook I need like the videogames notebook, I can't play videogames. And this makes me panic, cry if I don't find it or have to wait until Monday because I forgot it at work.
I prefer to do things alone and don't like teamwork. I can only be a certain ammount of time with friends or people because I feel the need to be alone. I don't have a cellphone for that reason and all my friends have to tolerate a lot of rules I have about my life. But they always follow them, even if they complain. I also hate parties, weddings and specially funerals. I try to avoid all these things.
I hate loud noises. A baby crying, motorcycles, screaming or yelling can irritate me. And I have to admit that I can become very aggressive if I get irritated by noises. I take time very seriously. If mom was late to pick me up by 10 minutes, I would prefer to walk home. If she tells me she would go out from 2 - 10 p.m. and was at home at 4 p.m. that would make me very mad. People often tell me the reasons I get mad are stupid and things for which I should get mad, I don't.
I hate sports and I'm asexual (I think). I've never felt interested for guys or for girls. I have tried sex with both but honestly don't care much for any. I'm not a fan of sex. I'm 25 now, everybody keeps telling me to find a girlfriend and my mother worries I won't ever have a couple, but I simply don't have that interest. I've tried relationships before but I find them difficult and stressing. I spend most of my time imagining things. If somebody doesn't keep a conversation with me, I drift off to ideas and thoughts and lose track of my surrounding. I spend hours in my imaginary world, but there are rules too.
My father hates me. We haven't spoken for years, yet we live in the same house. He and I just have very different perspectives. I think he's always been ashamed of me for how I act in public. I used to carry figures and toys as an adolescence or talk about video games or comics and he hated it. Then when he noticed I wasn't getting a girlfriend anytime soon, he started to avoid me.
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I guess those could be considered the symptoms. If anybody is willing to hint out a possibility diagnosis, please just consider the next text separate from your so-far opinion.
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When I was young, one of my aunts told my grandma that I was autistic. She explained to her that that's why I'm always playing by myself and that that's why I'm so different from the others. She used to be the director of her city's Integral Family Development Center. But when my grandma told my mother, my mom and aunt had a big fight and they stopped talking to each other for a couple of months. So my aunt never said anything about that again. Specially because my mom told my aunt that her son wasn't what she would call normal either. Now the whole family avoids the whole autism topic.
I went to a psychologist for a few sessions and she told me she thought I had ADHD. I told my mom but she didn't agree. Then months later when we were in the middle of a discussion, she told me: ADHD, yeah right! And started laughing at me. I still get very mad whenever I think about that. She tells me that she suffered a lot more than I did in her childhood and that she didn't get traumatized that easily. She also says that if I have a mental illness, then we all have one.
I made a friend who's a criminologist with whom I play video games every time he invites me to his house. One day, he told me: "I finally know what you have." "What?" I asked. He responded: "Asperger's Syndrome, have you ever heard of it?" I was trying to explain to him that I didn't agree, but his wife kept saying: Really, investigate about it. People with Asperger's are very intelligent. It's not a bad thing to have it. She even wrote to me a message one day telling me that she always wanted to have an autistic friend and that I should accept it.
I want to get a proper diagnosis and understand whatever I have. To finally know in which way I'm different would make me very happy. I've wished it for years. But I'm afraid that the results could indicate autism and I'm hoping it's something else, yet I've decided I'm going to be completely honest with the symptoms. It's just that the word autism has been following me for so long, I just want to seek different answers. Or maybe I'm in denial. I wouldn't know if to be open with it or keep it a secret from my family if it is autism. I know mom would disagree with me and she would want friends and family to ignore me or avoid feeding that thought.