thank you. i... just feel hurt and vulnerable right now. kinda opened up to him a little. talked about the little kid feelings. was a bit psyched up for the session. was going to talk about how i felt about him going away, i guess. 'cause of his two weeks off.

he takes time off to be with his family. like how he had a month off when his wife delivered their baby. he seems to take school holidays off too. well, one week of them. or two. i can't remember. i don't know if i'm meant to be seeing him next tuesday or only next friday. i don't know if he is off the week after that or not till the week after that. i don't know if he is off for one week or for two. i just know that he told me ages ago that he would be taking some time off in the school holidays and he keeps reminding me that he will be taking time off except i zone out when.

little kids. he has little kids already. little kids to look after and take care of. i'm not jealous of them. i'm just sad for me. that i never had that. that he can't give that to me. that he needs to look after them and so he can't see me when he is doing that. nobody ever did that for me. nobody ever will. i'm not a little kid anymore. its too late for me.

what are these feelings for? they don't do any good. they just hurt.

i think he knows this is really very bad timing. it really is very bad timing. i don't want to punish him, but i am going to need to close off to him. numb myself. like i did when he came back from holiday. after he ignored my email for three weeks where i said that i felt hurt and alone and abandoned. i don't express those feelings easily. i've... only ever expressed them to one other person in my life and that person went STOMP. and last time i tried and it felt like STOMP. and this time i tried and it feels like STOMP. and i know it isn't his fault (and i know it wasn't the last persons fault). their response was understandable. perfectly reasonable.

and these little kid feelings aren't. and... they just hurt. what is to be done? numb numb numb numb numb i feel numb.