That's my greatest fear. For me, I feel like the only person I can count, the only reason I can continue to go on is because my mom. Everything else has failed me or hurt me and when I think that she will die, when I imagine it I feel like somebody cut me in half slowly.

With my therapist, I had been able to lower it a little. I don't run to the stairs when I hear her cough, I don't imagine hearing the police when she comes late, I no longer have nightmares of waking up alone and facing the world. I had talked it to her and she supports me but want me to simply accept that I can do it alone and that just life.

But just today I heard about an accident in my hospital and the first thing I thought about was "Was my mother in a car accident?" and I felt cold and alone.

It's hard. It's so very hard because you love them. Because they are part of you and something withing yourself wants you to be prepared, to "soften" the punch by having pain tomorrow but it doesn't work It never works and it's something that you will simply not be ready when it happens and you can survive it, but it's so scary.

Even with my brothers I feel the same and we can barely speak with each other. With them is the fact that I love them but they are so toxic that being near them hurts me so much.

So yeah, so many people with anxiety feel like that and can trigger us like nothing else. But you can get better. Not about being prepared when they go, but to live every day as special as is and remember:

Nothing can take your moments with them. No matter what, they will be with you to the end. That helps me and doing mindfulness and breathing ho oponopono.