Hmmm....

I can't begin to express how completely and utterly embarrassed i am of myself posting like i do from time to time.

I do have heavy "avoidant tendencies" but the psychologist didn't want to diagnose me with a personality disorder from just 1 meeting (im assuming)
so this stuff REALLY bothers me to act like a fool - make myself look ridiculous - saying these kind of things "outloud" when i don't even want to say them internally anymore
-- i don't care about any diagnosis, i just want to have a name to this bloody monster that adores tormenting me and making my life a living hell so i can call it out by name and curse it the * out the way it curses me --
just knowing a name doesn't solve anything but atleast i can wrap my hands around it and strangle the life out of it

just forget all of the nonsense that i spew from time to time.. i have ALOT of problems apparently

I am superbly annoyed and frustrated with myself because i am utterly useless when it comes to trying to help myself, so it seems
I do not like to draw attention to myself nor like to express my problems in any kind of way, i have hid everything deep deep deep inside my entire life and even though it is uncomfortable and lonely and painful it seems more familiar, safe, and .. whatever.. than the alternative..
I don't like anyone to know - this is my illusion that i must maintain - which i fail horribly at when it comes to this virtual world because i have difficulty "filtering" my words, as I don't talk about ANY of these things to anyone EVER - so things come out wrong, too much, too fast, everything i dont want and dont need.. I can't talk about things that i dont understand apparently, especially with "real" people

I am truly sorry for any types of triggering things that i may have said, i absolutely refuse to read any of the nonsense because i know that it will just make me even more frustrated and upset with myself

i am completely, i mean utterly despising myself currently because of this bloody rut that i have some how found myself in, which i have been stuck in my entire life completely oblivious that im in TROUBLE and cant get out because i can't figure things out or even remember the things that i DID figure out
my mind works against me, i don't know what is my problem but it is really annoying and im sick of it

i found more notes of mine from the program "optimism" that i was trying to make myself start using back when i was trying to "cooperate" with the clinic
https://www.optimismonline.com

i am just astonished, mind boggled, by how stuck i was then, how confused i was then, how i didnt know what was going on, how i couldn't remember things, i am sickened by the lack of progress and apparent regression of any non-existent progress i thought i had

for example :
http://forums.psychcentral.com/other...1-weird-2.html

and the notes i posted about therapy, apparently it was scaring me shitless and i couldn't handle it so i quit going, although i can't remember any of it

notes about the doctor not listening and increasing meds, me having side effects and talking about how the medicine seemed to be making things worse, apparently i didnt say any of those things to the doctor though, or who knows what i said because i dont!
but all i know is they labeled me "non-compliant" and said that if i would of followed treatment i would of "continued" doing well, although how the hell i was doing well when reading all of these notes i do not know their methods and find their ethics highly questionable

apparently i knew about dissociation back then as well, maybe i told the doctor and he shot me down with some BS remark that just shut my whole brain down everytime i went in to see him from the beginning i felt attacked and unsafe with all of them, misunderstood and mislabeled and over drugged, this ** is not fair!
im sick of this RUT - i want out and i cant take it anymore, this is completely and .. Afff i can't even speak - what is wrong with me to make me get so stuck, do i NOT want to get better? do i enjoy being miserable? this life is ridiculous, sad pathetic excuse for a life - not even an excuse, just a terrible mistake

I am sickened from all of this, my entire history, my past, my childhood, my pathetic attempts at getting help, the failure of the mental health people in being able to help, maybe im just making everything up and all of its bogus thats why it CANT get better because its not even real
this is just really really irritating and i can't stand it, it takes alot to really make me angry, but god i know how to make myself angry

i am stuck and sick of being stuck, sick of not knowing whats going on, sick of not remembering the things i figure out and losing the notes because i delete them or lose them or whatever happens and i forget because i dont have the physical proof to remind me of what the hell i was thinking, sick of the flashbacks and pains - it doesnt matter - even if i had notes and journals they wouldn't be able to solve anything or help me in anyway because if im still in the same place, well in a worse place even now than i was when i was in "Crisis" enough to send myself to a mental clinic, there is no help - this is just a pathetic joke someone is playing on someone and im not even real - this isn't even real and im tired of it because im not laughing!

i am very annoyed and frustrated and practicing my cliche avoidant tactics to avoid further humiliation and suffering from talking about this stupid nonsense, it doesnt help at all and all im doing is spreading it around to people who dont need to hear any of it, grrrr