Yes, it's like "Why I didi to deserve that"? That's the word isn't? Deserve. People are happy because they deserve it. Because they worked hard and are more worthy of it while we abused or harmed our way and know we have this? What's the catch? How is this fair?

I had an amazing life. I lived in an apartment fit for a family during all my college, I had a credit card and my home to return some months. I have all the money to had a fantastical life.

And I... wasted so much of it.

I ate like a pig, horrible and unmanaged my credit car. Never into what would you call a bet, a couple hundred (or a hundred in your money) every month or so, but they were stupid things. I passed all my time in my computer, eating or watching porn. I was alone, never made lasting friends and wasted myself in isolation.

It took me 10 years to finish my career.

10 years. Every time I think about it, when I see my highschool mates and their working experience and titles or I think about so many millions of you Americans and you student debts I feel like throwing up.

I live in a 3 storey house (we built in a desolated part of the town that now is a centre zone), I eat like a king, I got a helper for my mom who cleans my clothes, the house and make my breakfast (we are not rich, but middle class and live with my mom pension as a doctor, it's a little different here in Mexico I guess). I got medicines, I got a therapy outside of town.

I got a wonderful life.

What have I done to deserve it? Why me when so many people suffer so much, try so hard and work so hard to make it? Yes I was sick (I think you also passed from several emotional upheavals) and self-destructive and to get where we are right now it cost us so much work, so much sacrifice, tears and frustration. We suffered to be who we are.

But what about the people who didn't have the change and deserve it more? The mother who works 14 hours for her two kids who never has a break? The Poor man who needed to go out of college and know is in a disability program? The millions who lived like you and didn't make it?

Why they suffer when we should? How dare us to look at the people in the face with any semblance of dignity? We did so much wrong, we abused and made mistakes. We should be screwed.

Hell, right know writing this I feel like a whiny brat because you must have suffered more than me and here I am trying to compare to what you had to pass. What right do I have to even said we are simmilar?

My psychiatrist once told me: no one deserves anything. We got what we got because that's life. I hated that. I still do but I think there is some kind of truth in it. That sometimes life is life. That with our effort and luck we get the things we had because the millions of happenstance that are no-one's fault. That we don't deserve so much as experience existence.

For that, I ask myself this: Do I deserve to suffer? If I suffer, the people who are worse than me or be offended by my life would be better? Happier? Healthier? If I cry and beat myself up for this destiny, would the mother, the working man, you, be helped in some way?

I wish I could say that this is an answer, but as you can see by my post I still fight against this kind of thinking every day.

The only advice I can give you is: this life that you have is yours and try to forgive yourself every minute. To love yourself. Just because you are still alive. Because you deserve it because you are you and no one can force you to hate and harm yourself.

It's difficult and it's something that you need to do each day. Breath. Every time you feel that hate, breath. Be in the moment. Maybe you can't stop the memories and the feeling of shame, but you can accept who you are right now, just you and only you.