im sorry, im just really frustrated and its a little scary because i seem to just be going in circles... im just really crazy and totally insane...
i gotta stop some how.. i gotta post notes reminding myself not to look stuff up and that i already know all of these things...
reading some of my older posts is just scary...

apparently i did talk to them about dissociation, i dunno why i cant remember anything... i hope something serious isn't wrong with my brain...
10-08-14, 02:10 PM
http://forums.psychcentral.com/schiz...55-afraid.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...-describe.html

who knows, i probably wouldn't remember if i did start hallucinating

for years i've been trying to figure myself out but my efforts are futile because i cant keep up with myself... or something... and the years and years of confusion have really confundled me..
i mean i guess thats why i was wondering about maybe i messed my brain up myself some how... maybe i brainwashed myself some how and ... i mean maybe im in a coma and this is all just a bad dream...
i dunno whats goin on and i dont wanna do it anymore... i dont wanna think anymore i dont wanna talk anymore... i just want out... im tired of being afraid and then forgetting everything... having an epiphany and discovering myself and forgetting... not knowing whether i am dreaming or if ... well things would have to be real in order for me to be dreaming and this stuff just seems so surreal it cant be real..
i dunno how to break free from the confusion... the years and years of stuff being stored in the back of my mind... apparently... without my knowledge...
im really tired.... tired of being lost... tired of being stuck outside of time...
im suposed to be 26 years old for crying out loud and its the year 2016... why is this happening to me... and i just sound completely nuts... and i really just dont know what to do because when i was going to that clinic i really tried so hard... i have been trying so hard really... why am i so complicated... i hate being so complex that i cant understand myself and the doctors look at me like a thousand broken puzzles mixed together that just doesnt make sense...

one day being like this and the next day like that... things moving around and...
its just crazy... its stupid... it doesnt make sense... and im tired... its like my nigt terrors... when you become so used to them and wake up sweating and panic attacks you are used to it and doesnt even bother you so much anymore... when your sleep is so disturbed for months you get black eyes... when nothing makes sense anymore... what happened to the inteligent guy i was suposed to be, i guess hes just realizing that time is fluid and stays in motion where he just sits still ... things change... but this dilemma stays the same...
i cant put things into words anymore... apparently i have never been able to put things into words... maybe i dont want to change... maybe i dont want time to keep moving forward... maybe im just delusional and really having a problem holding grasp on reality....
im tired of trying so hard and not getting anywhere... this sucks so bad....
no matter how much i beg and plead and try to change the way things are ...
it doesnt even matter to try to say it because i've said all of these things before probably... whats the use...
how can i be stuck like this for so long.... i dunno why but i shouldn't be here... i need to go back in time....

im so alone and no one can seem to understand my plight....
at the same time im not alone... but those with me cant help...
but i really am alone, i lock myself in the room because i cant face it anymore...
but i have done that for years too... this is all wrong... its not supposed to be like this

i end up making myself feel so empty... like i just get rid of everything... i cant handle anything... i have never been able to handle anything... but it just leaves an illusion... im just smoke and mirrors... one good gust of wind and poof the illusion is destroyed...
even more reason to lock myself away... i dunno why everyone likes me.... if they knew ME they wouldn't like me at all..... i dont like me....

im tired of being like this.. but i have tried everything to change... i mean i cant remember.. but i know that i have been trying really hard to make it stop... to just stop it.. or maybe i haven't been trying, i dunno anymore.. im tired of being sick and tired
tired of feeling like a mad man, totallly insane... crazy.. because nothing makes sense and i cant figure out why ... what is wrong, what ami supposed to do..

im afraid if i try going back to the clinic and try one more time with yet another therapist, i'll just be jumping back in the same circle... and im so tired of going in circles... im just going to sit down right here in the middle ... i want to quit...
but tomorow ill be running around the circle again, because im stupid and just cant seem to remember to get it through my stubborn thick head that it doesnt matter and just stop running ...

i can see why they thought i was bipolar now... but then again they never officially gave me any diagnosis on paper, they just told me bipolar to shut me up i think... but then again maybe they did tell me and i just cant remember that either.. i wish that i could find the therapist that i was talking to the first time, i asked my dad if i just saw her a couple times and he said that i saw her a lot because he was the one driving me there... she might would help me if i could find her... i really liked her, thats all i remember about any of it... she was really nice.. dunno why i was so scared or whatever...

i hate talking about this stuff, i just wish .. well i wish a lot of things..
i dont wanna be afraid anymore... i dont wanna feel all of this confusing stuff inside anymore.... its so confusing...
i can ask someone what they feel like and they can easily say "happy" "sad"
i ask myself what i feel like and i am in the middle of a waterfall... so many things wash over me that i just go numb and confused and i cant discern any of it...
i know that probably doesnt make sense either... i just dont know what i feel anymore... until something gets so intense that it takes over or something...

i think im sad right now.... because this just seems sad... to be like this...
but im also scared... and angry because i dont know what is wrong...
and im confused because i just want to fix it... but i cant, im stuck...
am i in hell..? i just want it all to leave me alone, but at the same time i dont want to be alone... my inside is being ripped apart, or something.. my soul is being ripped and crinkled and folded and redistributed and shredded and burned and put back together and ... i cant take it anymore... but i know it wont matter in a little while...
how can anyone survive this? to continuously stare your demise in the face, stuck on repeat while you are being destroyed over and over.. but only enough to take enough steps back to face it again... but not even knowing that you are over and over... and to periodically catch a glimpse of the mirror that you are caught in... realizing that you are stuck... trapped in a dreadful experience you cant escape... to meet your demise again and become unaware again...
what a demonic psychological wargame... i dont want to play anymore, would like it to just be simple so i can take a handful of antipsychotics to fix it... part of me knows im not crazy or delusional... but i must be

lemme out of this circle
im sorry that i keep doing this...